(Man & Woman on a blind date. This comes from a flashback and is based on real events. Names have been changed to protect... well... me! )
Man: I thought we might both like giving this restaurant a try.
Woman: I think I saw it on the Groupon web site. I hate visiting places like this without checking to see if they have a coupon or a discount of some sort.
Man: That's OK! It's my treat.
Woman: Well... of course! I never pay for a man on a date. But I may come back here with some of the guys...er... girls from the office... that is, if it’s any good.
Waiter: Welcome to Chez Fritz! Here are your menus. And... while you take your time deciding on dinner, let me go ahead and put in your drink orders.
Man: Sure! I’ll have an iced tea...
Woman: You’re not drinking?
Man: Oh no! Go ahead. Order anything you'd like...
Woman: Well! I’m not going to order something if you’re only going to be drinking soft drinks all night...
Man: (To waiter)... iced tea.
Woman: What kind of beers do you have on tap?
Waiter: We have a wide variety of imports, all the domestics and some nice IPAs... If you want the full list... our current beer list may be found on the back of the... (Woman stares down Waiter ... he proceeds to list 25 of their popular beers from memory)
Woman: Oh! Just get me a Coke... No! Make that a Diet... Oh! Just bring me a glass of ice water!
Waiter: Very good! I’ll be right back with your drinks... and bring out some complimentary rolls...
Woman: Wait! What kind of butter do they come with?
Man: Butter?
Waiter: Our rolls come with a signature whipped butter blend created by our chef.
Woman: Well... you'd better bring out a sample of that. I don’t like the signature butter most restaurants use ... like O’Charley’s... or Texas Roadhouse....
Man: Hmmm! Why not just give it a taste test when the rolls come out?
Woman: Oh! I know it won't taste like real butter. I probably won’t like it. And I know I will have to send it back.
Man: I can already see the foreshadowing...
Woman: The what? What did you say?
Man: (To waiter) The drinks and rolls will be fine...
Woman: ...And a sample of your butter!
Waiter: Very good! I'll take your order when I return. (He withdraws.. writing a note on his pad)
Woman: So... what do you do for a living?
Man: I create and test programs for a Virtual Reality systems company that works with doctors, hospitals and research labs...
Woman: You make video games? I hate video games. They are soooo stupid! What a waste of time and money. Video games!
Man: Well! These aren’t exactly video... games ... per say...
Woman: I bought my son a PS2 or 4 or XBox something. He must have 1000 of those games lying around the living room. He and his father play them from the time they wake up til the time they go to bed. I can hardly vacuum the place....
Man: His father lives with...?
Woman: Oh, no! Poopie!... They didn’t list any of the specials. I don’t want to eat something they have cooked 1000x. (Looking around the room) What are the specials?
Man: Go ahead and order anything you'd like...
Woman: (Tries to stop Waiter heading to the kitchen with another order) Excuse me... Waiter! (She snaps her fingers. Man winces) Waiter! (Snaps, then snaps again)
Waiter: Yes, Ma’am! Are you ready to order?
Woman: Ummmmm... What are your specials tonight?
(The Waiter goes through a list of 6-7 appetizing specials. He details how they are prepared... and their discounted prices... three times)
Woman: Oh! I’ll just have a steak. Not the 10 oz ...like this one in the menu or the 6 oz... like this one in the menu. Just have them prepare one... in between. And please! Not medium... or well done. Something in between. If it’s too well done... I will send it back. I'd like some pink. Not all pink. And not red! I want a salad with vinaigrette... on the side... do not put any on the salad. Bring out real pepper! Make it with no cheese. but an extra tomato. No egg... and no bacon. Gawd how I hate bacon bits. They are fake and taste dry and rubbery...
Waiter: Ahem... no bacon! And for your other side?
Woman: A baked potato. Not burned, please. (To Man, without looking up from her menu) They burn them in places like this! They sit in their ovens for hours and hours. (To Waiter) A baked potato with...half butter... half sour cream. Do not let the butter touch the sour cream. Separate the two. And please! Real butter. No house blend... Oh, while I'm thinking about it... bring out a sample taste of that vinaigrette, too. Some restaurant vinaigrette tastes too wine-y!
Man: Too wine-y?
Woman: And when you come back... bring along a dessert menu... I want to see the dessert list. Or do you have a dessert tray? I want to see it before we eat our dinner. If I fill up too much on the meal, I might not enjoy my dessert... and I love my desserts!
Waiter: Very good! (He remarkably reads back her exact dinner order, subtlely mimicking the Woman's inflections)
Waiter: ...And for the gentleman?
Man: Just the... check, please!
Woman: What?
Man: Check, please! Look! I apologize... but we will be leaving! This was a bad idea from the start. I'm sorry for wasting your time... and the table.
Woman: Well... of all the nerve! Why would you do such a thing?
Man: To be honest with you?... I was afraid... I mean, really afraid...
Woman: Afraid of what?
Man: Afraid the waiter would forget whose meal belonged to whom... mix 'em up... and I’d get the one with spit on it!
(Woman goes silent)
Man: We'll just hit a Drive thru on the way home! Again, sorry!
Waiter: No problem, Sir! ... There is no charge... But might I just say... I do bet the evening will get better for you and your lady friend!
Man: (Handing the Waiter a tip) Oh... I think you'd lose that bet!
~ Finis
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