Tuesday, May 31, 2016

Harambe the Gorilla & The Cincinnati Zoo shoot

      A few years back, Shari Baum and I were filming one of our yearly Summer Adventures TV series episodes for Fox19 TV out of Cincinnati. One such episode had us at the Cincinnati Zoo filming above the gorilla enclosure. With our back to the gorillas (Harambe, in particular), a sizeable clump of shrubbery came whizzing past our heads. The strength of his heave was as impressive as it was daunting. The great ape obviously did not like who we were and what we were doing above HIS habitat. The keeper warned us about making any kind of gesture in response... even with 25 feet, a moat and wall between all of us.
      Now, what I have taken from the loss of the great silverback is one of sorrow, but also necessity. I have read the recent article written by a gorilla keeper about the unpredictability of these seemingly gentle giants. And a screaming child in the moat was probably not putting this mighty ape at ease. In my unscientific, but personal opinion, Harambe had to be put down as the quickest and safest way to end that horrible situation. These are not trained circus animals (or animals who have intermingled with humans since birth like Koko the sign language Gorilla)... these are unpredictable creatures of nature who have set up and see themselves controlling their environment... artificial as it may be. Seemingly to some, he may have looked as if he was protecting the child, but to the trained eye (as stated by the experienced gorilla keeper) Harambe could have crushed, bitten or torn the little boy apart in the wink of an eye... and in public view. There was no alternative plan other than to follow the emergency protocol. 

     Though Harambe will be greatly missed by zoo visitors, I truly believe the Cincinnati Zoo followed the right procedure... the correct steps for such a situation... the best one until a better one can be implemented ...for the safety of all creatures involved.

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Monday, May 30, 2016

Mars Colony: Living in a Fishbowl

     Let's get past the media hype and delve into NASA's plan of getting humans to Mars by 2030. A complicated trip using technology not developed yet, seems easy! Here is the trip by the numbers (and a few facts) ...
1. Mars has no spinning core like Earth. With no core, Mars generates no magnetic field to protect it from the bombardment of radiation from space. All astronauts/colonists will die from radiation poisoning in a very short time.
2. The trip to Mars with today's technology will take 6 - 8 months. A snap for astronauts who have spent extended time on the ISS (space station). But... the ISS has leg room. The capsule taking astronauts to Mars will be the size of a small minivan. Ask any family making a cross country drive in a minivan how long they could last traveling together non-stop... 6-8 months will probably not be the figure they come up with.
3. There is currently no cryo/sleep technology that would allow astronauts the ability to hibernate for such a long trip.
4. Communication black outs. The further away from Earth, the less immediate contact the astronauts will have with Earth. Unless, they create a relay station. Or assemble space station (pit stops) along the way. Currently, unfeasible.
5. No contact... trouble awaits. With no instructions from NASA, the astronauts will have to rely on themselves and their on board computers. Imagine dealing with a check engine light while a car is in operation. Pulling over to fix a bad operating system seems not an option.
6. Radiation bombardment while traveling in space on such a long trip will inevitably catch up with the astronauts. No emergency doctor house calls in space. How long will it take to recover once they land on Mars?
7. 3D Printer will do it all. From creating meals (some doughy concoction flavored to fool the taste buds) to creating tools... the astronauts general store will be the 3D printers sent on the trip. The service life and variety of duties asked of these machines have yet to be fully determined.
8. Landing a vehicle with humans on Mars... not yet. There is no definitive system that can safely land a space capsule on Mars. After a 6 month trek, it would be devastating to lose the craft on landing. Landing a craft on Mars will have no room for error.. and with lack of communication from Earth even more difficult.
9. Living pods/modules... supplies.... support must be sent to the Mars landing site ahead of the capsule carrying the astronauts. The loss of any craft carrying support and supplies will delay the mission. Again, delivering the payload on such a scale has never been attempted. We are basically sending storage/work/living units on a 7 month journey, to a hostile unforgiving environment... and land them intact. The fishbowl has arrived!
10. There are no trees. This is no desert. Mars is a desolate planet. There are no resources. Even the most creative thinking survivalist will fail on this trek. You can't build a fire for warmth... because you can't build a fire. And even if the ice on Mars can be converted to water, what water treatment technology must accompany the support supplies? Since everything to keep these people alive must come from Earth... what are the basics that must come along? Including power generators, living quarters and storage units. And where will all the trash go?
11. Setting up a base... is like setting up a fish tank. The astronauts will have to live contained in a space (and space gear) designed to constantly protect them.. and not break down. There have been tests on such habitats in deserts and desolate places on Earth... but why aren't these tested at the bottom of the ocean... a place where a hole (or breakdown) in the habitat would put you in the same danger as being in radiated space?
12. The trip to Mars seems a one way trip. The Earth and Mars would have to align to make the travel time in space more optimal. That seems to be every 1½ years or so. If the astronauts do land on Mars... at a minimum they would have to wait a year or so for the return trek. Feasible? Not yet!
13. Lucky #13. So.. Martian colonists do survive and flourish. What makes us think that in 20, 30, 40 years these people will not create a conflict and come back to Earth to start war with humankind? Martian babies!
     A child born on Mars will weigh significantly less than their human counterpart. Returning to Earth, the Martian born will weigh 3-6x their normal weight. 150 lb Martian man = 450 lb Martian Man on Earth! Seems like an easy fight. But they would probably bombard us with a virus, nuke or some Martian produced, reality TV show re-run! Oh, the humanity!

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Tuesday, May 24, 2016

Et Cetera... Et Cetera... Great! Now I Gotta Pee!

      About 40 years ago, the Starlight Musicals (Indy's premiere, live outdoor  musical theater situated on the Butler Campus next to Hinkle Fieldhouse) was winding down its long and storied run. Much like Beef & Boards, the Indianapolis north side dinner theater which also featured former A-list stars turned touring show gypsies, Starlight faced a diminishing fan base and mounting operating costs. Beef & Boards took on new management, Starlight closed its gates.
     Outdoor musicals, much like outdoor movies, is an interesting breed of entertainment. While many will flock to concerts or multi-media stage shows, the outdoor musical had an eclectic fan base. Regular theatergoers would have to adapt to the experience and all that it entailed. Such an experience might seem more like attending a baseball game than a typical theatrical experience. Case in Point:
1. The Weather.
Not just rain, but rain outs, intermittent rain, heavy winds and delays.
2. Bugs
Natural or electrical (most singers were using body microphones)
3. Replacements
"The part of {NAME of CHARACTER in the PLAY} will be performed tonight by {NOT the STAR you paid to see}!" Starlight touring shows usually had 1 - 3 popular, if not famous talent featured in any given performance. Lose the star, bad word of mouth.
4. The Weather
Again. A long stretch of summer rain outs over a half decade of theatrical seasons inspired the management of Starlight to build a permanent overhang over the stage... and then one over the audience... as a way to protect the performance from the elements. Of course, rain does come down sideways... and lightning will still put a show into delay since actors are electronically wired and performing under wired stage lights. Actually... the Starlight overhang took away from the 'star light' experience... watching the stars under the stars. But I digress...
     This is a different story. Living only a few blocks from the Starlight Musicals and an actor myself, I was well aware of their schedules, their stars... and their least secure entryways for sneaking in.
Ploy #1
Ask an adventurous date to the show. Dress up and sneak in. It's good to know the ushers (usually high school buddies who could care less if you sneaked in)... just don't come into contact with one who holds a grudge or vendetta. A dressed up set of teenagers (aw... on a date!) would appear more common and hidden in plain sight than some couple caught in ragged jeans and sneakers with a pair of wire cutters.
Ploy #2
A new Musical arrived and set up one day ... every week ... during the run of the season. Sneak in (see ploy #1) and watch a quick run through rehearsal of the show during the set up. Many ushers were hired on these off nights to clean the audience seating area, so the place had a lot of activity that caused most productions in rehearsal to all but take no notice.
Ploy #3
Go with your parents. Make them pay the growing ticket price that was probably  the real death knell to the whole shebang.
     Well! This is a story about Ploy #2! Yul Brynner was back on tour with the 'King and I'. He was middle aged, working less in film and decided to give the King of Siam another go round. He was also rumored to have cancer (he smoked like a chimney). So, if this was to be his final hurrah... I thought I'd make my own 'TADA!' ... sneak in and watch him walk through his steps of preparation before a certain sold out weekend.
     I was able to sneak through the back fence easy enough. No second looks from security. {Please! I'm an actor! I know my way around a theater.. and also look like a bored actor who just wanted to walk off some extra energy by getting away from the dressing room!} I touched base with a few usher friends of mine who gave me the green light to land unimpeded in the second row. And there he was The King of Siam. Even wearing a warm up suit, he was an imposing figure. He acted a few scenes. Sang a few songs. He walked through some trouble spots with the cast. And here I was... sitting in the second row.. wide eyed... taking it all in as a fan... an actor... a future direcrtor/producer.....THEN... IT HAPPENED...
     Just when you think the planets have aligned... that your plan is foolproof... and there are no flies in the ointment... the flies arrive. All of a sudden I am surrounded by ushers. They are sneaking beers... and cigarettes. And... they're talking amongst themselves in such a way I was certain that I would soon to be thrown out, if not arrested, for trespassing.
     AND THEN... Yul Brynner stops the rehearsal. He walks to the front of the stage and explains to this unruly throng ... and the stars in the sky... that this was not a performance... and that the entire theater was to be cleared! The old King of Siam could not have given a more direct order! So, I sheepishly rise from my center stage, 2nd row perch to try to amble out anonymously... when I am stopped... by YUL BRYNER!
     Yul Brynner looks at me directly... knowing how I was taking all this in with wide eyed wonder.. and he says "YOU! YOU MAY STAY!" I dropped down into my seat immediately... amid the cat calls and rumblings from my now departing usher friends. I was given a gift from Yul Brynner. I was given the opportunity to watch a full scale production come up to speed.. during the set up in a new town. The same knowledge I would use as a director/producer years later with a production company I started after college. I saw Yul Brynner laugh at some dialogue mistakes. I heard him sing and perform to an audience of one. AND...
I had to pee.
     One of the greatest theatrical opportunities of a lifetime and Mother Nature is punching me in the bladder. But... I can't go to the bathroom... I was given a pass! A magic ticket! One most theatergoers would give their eye tooth to experience... and all the while my molars were floating. I stayed as long as I could.. then I could stand it no more.
     I gave the King a gracious nod and ducked out using a back escape route... taking time out behind one of Butler's beautiful fir trees... off for home.
     I have told that story quite a few times over the years... not to brag... much. I believe the moral to the story was that when you are so engrossed in something... something for which you hold so much passion... most people attuned to the situation can read it... and open an avenue for you to take it all in. I can only express... don't drink a 44oz Big Gulp before you find yourself in that situation.
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Friday, May 20, 2016

The Relationship is Ending... I Hear Ringing!




When a couple breaks up the result leads to situations that tend to become quite delicate. Will I still be able to face her/his friends? Will my family support my decision? How did I learn to put that long list of expletives together, so eloquently, when I last called to tell them how I really felt?

Breaking up is a time bomb. And we all end up at ground zero at some point.

So imagine that the relationship was a nice pool of water.Like a pond or that baby pool you inherited from a neighborlady because she thought the kids would like it, but you would have preferred to see your partner in it with you wrestling in jello. But now you have dropped a stone in that pool. It causes a ripple effect. Many of outgoing rings represent where you are during the break up.

Ground zero... It's over for one of you...or both! But it has reached finality!
Ring one... Why? Oh dear God! Why? You cry out! I am worthless, my life is over! I will never find anyone. I will be alone!
Ring two... Screw them! I am better than them! I will show them!
Ring three... No more relationships I will build myself into a new person.
Ring four... Time to self destruct. Drink, gamble, shop or eat.
Ring five... Recovery through friends, family or cheap meaningless affairs! Yay!
Ring six... Ah...screw it! It wasn't worth it.
Ring seven... What's on TV
Ring eight .... I need new stuff. Including a worthless dating relationship that will end when I want.
Ring nine... {Yawn!} Everyone you know is bored with your story.Time to get a joke book, go to or better yet hold a party and be the same old...er...improved you.
Ring 10... You see your ex and are able to say a civil hello. Wish them the best... and then later...call their new partner and ask for the name of that herpes preventative cream your partner was using. Just kidding.

RING 10... You start to forget their name, pet peeves,
and why you broke up in the first place and you have resolved the nonsense.

Want monogamy? Marry a Swan! OK let's look at these two scenarios. Men used to love Pam Anderson. She was like a Barbie doll come to life. Women loved the movie Pretty Woman. So... do men like the fantasy of being with a stripper and women love the fairy tale that a rich man will save them? Pam Anderson is a plastic Hollywood icon. Julia Roberts played a whore. But given the chance a man WOULD run away with from any home situation with Pam Anderson and a boatload of her income.. And women WOULD take a rich businessman/Richard Gere saving them and leave their partner at the drop of a hat! Written while tongue is securely in cheek!

The Wizard of Oz said hearts were made to be broken. But then again the Tin Man was pretty much a play toy himself. So enjoy yourself... your time off from relationships... because you will be starting a new one soon enough ...and the process starts all over again!

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Tuesday, May 17, 2016

My Top Ten Favorite Dangerous Toys

     Most of us can remember our childhood, but in the PC (protect children) world of today... where playgrounds are rubber matted, rounded cornered and quality tested... it would take a whole lot to sustain the same stupid injuries we had back in the hey day of toys! The hey day for toys? 1957 - 1971. When anything could and would be possible. All hail Frisbees, hula hoops and balsa wood gliders, but... how about using a hot plate to mold creepy bugs? Or a light bulb to bake a cake? Or tossing a feather tailed dagger across the yard as a horseshoe? Most of my favorite toys of that era are no longer for sale... or they now come in a quality tested shape or form. Alas, take the fear out of the toy... get bored easier!

1. JARTS or Lawn Darts (See picture above)
Danger Factor: Player being careless, drunk, immature and firing a Jart at an opposing player.
Hurt Factor: Blood. Contusion. Possible bandaging. Hospital visit. Loss of eye or worse. Death.

2. CLACKERS (in actuality, a South American Bolo Weapon)
Danger Factor: Player can catch another person in face or mouth. Hit own self. Catch a small animal or deer.
Hurt Factor: Broken bones. Missing teeth. Contusion. Strangulation. Concussion.


3. CREEPY CRAWLERS (the hot plate, plastic bug maker)
Danger Factor: A hot plate electric burner melts plastic into forms. Melted plastic. Hot burner.
Hurt Factor: Skin burns. 2nd - 3rd degree burns. Run to the doctor or emergency room!


4. The WHAM-O Super Ball (Hard rubber, high bouncing ball)
Danger Factor: No clear bounce path. Bounces into traffic. Breaks furniture and windows.
Hurt Factor: Welts. Scraped knees crawling to retrieve it under a car. Death after chasing it into traffic.

5. EASY BAKE OVEN (Hot light bulb oven)
Danger Factor: Hot light bulb
Hurt Factor: Burned fingers. Stomach ache.


6. TRAMPOLINE
Danger Factor: Sold as exercise equipment, the more comfortable you are with it the more dangerous it becomes.
Hurt Factor: Broken bones. Sprains. Tears. Hospital.

7. SLIP 'N SLIDE
Danger Factor: A wet strip of plastic. Hard ground.
Hurt Factor: Sprains. Tears. Broken bones. Concussion. Skin burn.





8. POGO STICK
Danger Factor: (Notice how the Pogo stick looks like a crutch? Nuff said!)
Hurt Factor: Falling. Fracture. Tear. Sprains. Broken bones.

9. COX GAS POWERED AIRPLANE
Danger Factor: Spinning around with gas powered toy on a tether.
Hurt Factor: Finger burns. Skin abrasion. Vertigo.

10. MODEL ROCKET KIT
Danger Factor: Bored with bottle rockets? Create this easy made science project and parachute your space vehicle into a tree or neighbor's roof!
Hurt Factor: Burns. Scrapes. Wallet.

     Now there are Honorable Mentions like skateboards, roller skates, BB Guns and the like, but they all seem readily available in this day and age. Our list may consist of items no longer sold in toy stores, they were dangerous... but they were fun! Note: Most of these toys are now sold in child safe versions. Alas!


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Sunday, May 15, 2016

Before the Roller Coaster: Controlling Stage Fright




     Stage fright is just a nervous or anxious disorder based on anxiety. What it all comes down to is this...your body is telling you that you may fail so you get nervous. The problem is that it is your mind that is feeding this (garbage) condition to your body. Your body reacts by pumping adrenaline. You feel like you are running the 100 yard dash... but you are standing still! It is time to get both body and mind to STOP THE NONSENSE!

     Here are the steps to bringing body and mind in sync:
#1 Be on top of the material you are going to perform or present. Know your lines. Or have a good idea of the speech. Practice not only what the words are, but how you are going to say them.

#2 Speaking lines or doing a part is all rhythm. If you learn your lines or speech or words like a song (using pacing) you will not mess up. Because you know the rhythm. And if you (momentarily) lose your place, just get back into rhythm. (If you are performing with others use their rhythm to find your place.)

#3 If you fail. Big deal. Your mind is just controlling you to be perfect. No one is perfect. All you and I can do is our best. Tell your mind that "you are cool!" You will survive. The sun will come up tomorrow. And you will have done a fine job.

#4 If you know where you are going to perform, go out early and walk the stage, so to speak. Yell! Sit or lie on the floor. Sometimes just by practicing in the spot you will perform will put you at ease.
And then sit out in the audience and take in the feeling of what they see or how uncomfortable/comfortable their seats are.

#5 *IMPORTANT*
Breathing: Breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth. Be aware of your breathing. It will put your body in sync. Do this often. It will really calm you.

#6 Close your eyes and focus! Here is a quick exercise. Close your eyes and picture 2 mountains. Between the mountains is an ocean. Is the ocean rough or calm? If it is wavy or rough make the water and waves glassy smooth and calm by focusing your breathing. By doing this, you have actually calmed down your own subconscious' anxiousness and have gotten your focus on track.

#7. Also, just imagine, in your mind, how you will be performing and presenting. Over and over. Winning swimmers and runners see themselves playing out the entire race in their head beforehand. You too can imagine your presentation and see yourself doing well.

      Remember! These 'fear' and 'stage fright' moments are all just in your head. They can be overcome through practice and by these steps:
1. Focus
2. Breathing
3. Visualization
4. And the Realization that you have the talent, resolve, spirit and enthusiasm to perform and do well.

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Friday, May 13, 2016

Time Travel Fantasy: Titanic Hero

     In case you haven't heard, about a century ago, an ocean liner sank on its maiden trip. The name of that ship was the HMS Titanic. About 11 PM on April 14th, 1912 the huge ship sailed up against a large iceberg. The iceberg sheared off rivets along the bottom side of the liner and quickly filled the lower compartments.
     Theories abound stating that had it only tore into and opened four of its air tight, sealed compartments instead of six that were reported, it may have stayed afloat until a full rescue could happen. Alas, it did not. And with the lack of Life Boats for all passengers, its fate as a doomed world famous passenger ship was sealed.
     Now most people fantasize about inventing something that could change the world or maybe just their world. There are also people who dream about going back in time and revisiting (if not changing) history at some historical event. Now, if you could go back in time to any era , when would it be?... What century?... What event?
     I don't imagine I would be able to get close enough to assassinate Hitler, but I would like to travel back to Dealy Plaza and try to figure out the events of John F. Kennedy's final motorcade. Maybe save Martin Luther King or Bobby Kennedy. Stop Mark David Chapman from approaching John Lennon. Watching Jesus on the cross!
     How about warning Pearl Harbor early that Sunday morning on Dec. 7th 1941? Reporting to te FBI about terrorists boarding planes with sharp weapons on the morning of 9-11?
     Hear concerts from Beethoven, Brahms or the Beatles at Shea Stadium. I would travel to Woodstock, Haight-Asburyand Fear & Loathe in Las Vegas!
     But my fantasy is to save the world... change it... and possibly become world reknown. So.. the event I have chosen is the Titanic. I would book passage as the President of a new enterprise called... "Ferruzza's Inflatables!"... yes! Self inflating rafts. (Yes! I know they are available now.. but in 1912?)
     I would have hundreds in crates stored conveniently near emergency doors in compartments near the waterline.. and crates above. These rafts could comfortably hold one or two... all the way to 300.
Yes! 300 saved passengers.
     Let's do the math. 1500 died that night. My super raft holds 300. Five of my super rafts and all those lost at sea had a chance to live. Seven of the super rafts and the whole number of passengers on the ship would have been saved. I could have had 10-15 inflated and ready in less than the 2 1/4 hours it took for the mighty ship to sink! That's room for 3000-4500 passengers. The bells would ring all over the world. I would be the hero of the first half century of the 1900s.
     But I also believe in fate. I suppose that there is a reason for everything... including tragedy and loss of life. What if these great rafts were available, but the water was not calm as glass as it was that fateful night? What if it was stormy with huge rogue waves? What if all this planning (and dreaming in detail) went for naught? The dream just sank.
     I guess that is why we have been characterized as prisoners of our own time. We can't relive history as so much as we would like to re-write it. So, instead of saving the world in 1912, I may think ahead and try to save those of us now! I will follow with my details on that...


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Tuesday, May 10, 2016

Can I do Commercials Like You?... Like Me? No!


     Celebrating what must be my 50th year as a professional talent (with over 2000+ professional credits for work on stage, television, film and commercials)... and 30+ years as an acting coach, the #1 question I have been asked over the years is... Can I do commercials like you? Well! The answer is both easy and hard. Easy version reply: No! Hard version reply: Can you?
     Easy Version Reply NO!!! explained:
    When I was about 6 years old I decided on what I wanted to be when I grew up! A commercial actor! Not a stage actor with all those lines. Not a film actor... never was going to be that good looking and who wants to play villains for the brunt of their career? Not a TV star... just a typical, run of the mill commercial shill!
     You can't study to become a comedian... you just have to be naturally funny. You have to come from a funny family, have funny friends, friends who think you are hilarious or come from an environment that is conducive to being funny... like Catholic school. 
     Luckily my family was insane. We could have sold tickets to dinners at our house. And if we made our Italian father mad enough at the table, those shows might just turn into a murder mystery. My older brother had a dry wit. My sister was a physical comedienne. My younger brother sat in a high chair and fed the dog or cat on the floor... my forte? Voices. I am a mimic. I don't don't do full on impersonations. I do improvisations using variants of a person or celebrity's voice. I make sound effects... And I spout inappropriate one liners at inappropriate times. In other words, I was trained to do that thing I do!
     When my parents would scold me in the car for making crash noises or police sirens, I would respond to their negativity by telling them off as Donald Duck or one (if not all) of my grandparents voices. It's amazing how your parents back down when they hear their own parents telling them to leave the kid alone, but I digress.
     Class clown? Nah! Writer for the class clown. Live to fight another day!
     Now... we had a well to do great aunt who sat down the kids one holiday for the 'what are your future plans?' speech. Answering her own rhetorical question? You must be in a turn key business. Sell insurance... everyone needs insurance. Be a lawyer... everyone needs a lawyer. Be a doctor...
     I replied ...how about a service station attendant? Everyone needs gas. I was told I was missing the point! Actually, my actual reply was 'Commercial actor'. I was given a 30 minute diatribe on how tough it was to be an actor. But... after that windbag speech, I repeated "Commercial" Actor. You see my logic on this whole turnkey thing... When was the last time you watched TV and there were no commercials on. Last time you listened to radio? Even pay stations like Sirius and XM have station bumpers announcing Sirius and XM. Seemed like a winner to me.
     My first actual radio commercial was around age 10 or so. It was so memorable, it was forgettable. My last voice over job was less than an hour ago... doing the voice of a Canadian man. (Mimic, remember?).
     I love my job. It occasionally pays well. Let's me use my creative side. And it has helped me to become a better acting coach... preparing actors who want to become professional. Want a great coach, hire one that knows the business and would talk about it 24/7. I be he!

     NOW... Part II: The Hard Version Answer: Can You?
     Anyone can be in a commercial. I have had some mothers who have hired studios to film their own kids in commercials promoting the family business. Short cut... but understandable. Some parents can't wait! They want the kids stars now! They have electric/gas/water bills to pay! Those are parents that I am wary of most. There is no rushing a talent on the cusp of breaking out and into a great commercial career. (Most full time, professional acting career lifespans? Maybe 5-7 years. Remember, 75%+ of all SAG union actors are unemployed at any given time.) When you rush a talent, they aren't prepared to fail. And that is what it is all about. Handling failure. Any sales person can have a bad day of sales calls, but they don't quit the next day (well most don't). I have seen actors quit after 1-3 lost auditions. I mean really good actors. It's an ego thing of course. But most of all.. as I have learned over 1/2 a century... it is also a numbers game. I just happen to get more jobs, than failed auditions. And yes.. I still do audition. There is no time that the audition route is waived. Even Brando in the Godfather was forced to film a mini audition, but I digress.
     Can you do a commercial? Sure. Stand in the background. Be an Extra. It pays... not as much as a featured talent, but it pays... and it goes on your resume. Take classes... ahem... www.creativetalentworkshop.com. Or just study the industry and talk to other professional talent... ahem... www.keen.com/mjfprod. In all reality, if you have to ask... you are looking for some reinforcement, most actors already know they are great... big egos do work! Don't ask... do!

If you are really interested in checking out commercial work...
START HERE

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Saturday, May 7, 2016

Camping with Amazons, a Naked Fraulein & the Major

 

     I've always loved camping since I was a young, impressionable kid. When I was growing up, most heroes for the guys my age were Army men, cowboys and Frontiersmen. World War II was only about 20 years past and GI Joe was in our mindset and toy box. Our TV shows included The Rifleman and Bonanza. We lived on Daniel Boone and his adventures. So, it was nothing to ask permission to build a tent and sleep in the backyard. The tent was usually home made. It was some tarp draped over a cord with a few sleeping bags and a flashlight or two inside. And other than being scolded for building a bonfire, being attacked by nosy neighborhood teens or foul weather; it all made for an adventurous summer night. (And made one more appreciative of their own bed on following nights.)
     I really became impassioned with camping back in college. The head of our school's ROTC would take a group from the program, any student taking the free ROTC offered class Outdoor Skills (for an independent study grade)... and a tag-along (much like myself)... on a camping trip, twice a year. The adventure of camping was soon in my blood. Camping was part nature, part exercise, part frat party... and a great way to change a stressed college student's perspective, at least it did for me. Overworked? Feel like the walls are closing in? Can't sleep? Head to the woods and the great outdoors! Nature's way of rebooting your system.
     The first year I went on the Fall weekend camping trip with Major Frink and his ROTC crowd. I was ill prepared but luckily we had great weather. No tent, a musty ROTC supplied sleeping bag and few essentials ... my first foray into this hike/camp/hike weekend. But the trip did include most of the college's girl volleyball team. The highlight? A game of Truth or Dare and then sleeping around the campfire ... only to wake up sandwiched between two tall sleeping coeds. Innocent, but memorable. I can  also remember on the way home in one of the ROTC vans, our driver agreed to drop me off at my rental house... instead of having to lug all my gear (what was of it) back from campus. I fondly remember the music playing on the radio before reaching the home front... The theme from M*A*S*H. Perfect and fitting.


     On the Spring trip, I was better prepared. A tent. Some fishing gear. My best friend Ron. A new love interest named Laurie.. and a great attitude. All started well, Ron drove and I sweet talked Laurie to tag along with us. (Ron: Don't tell Shelley we took a girl with us in the car!) Reaching the campground and lake, we parked all the vehicles and did the 5-6 mile hike to our designated campsite. ROTC cadets immediately headed off away from us 'hippie civilians' and set up their own camp site to play army. We, 'the hippies' set up our tent village closer to the lake. First dilemma! Laurie had left her glasses back on Ron's car and needed them for when she would take out her contact lenses. Unbeknownst to us, while we all set up the tents, the Major hoofed back to our car (5 miles) and returned the glasses (another 5 miles) to a thankful, fawning Laurie. He was the Big Hero. Can't beat that... I thought! I later determined that he had to retrieve the glasses as a way keeping everybody in good spirits on this ROTC recruiting trip disguised as a camping weekend, but I digress.
     Feeling humbled by the eyeglass rescue, catching no fish and a feeble attempt at starting a campfire on my own, I braced myself for a long weekend. But nature has a way of rewarding those that respect it. As if asking a troop of Boy Scouts 'who wanted to earn a merit badge?' The Major gathered us all down by the lake looking for volunteers to swim the 200 yards or so to the other side. A handful of cadets were eager. Laurie looked to me. I really believe in all honesty, she (and my buddy Ron) thought I was going to make some asinine comment about their  'A Ten Hut' attitude. No! It was time to Man Up and get Sir Lancelot and the Eyeglasses episode behind me.. or die (drown) trying. I volunteered. Much to the cheers (from the Hippies) and jeers (from the cadets) of our group.
     Now... I must preface this by saying... I can swim. I was in great shape playing soccer and working out. And.. I love to swim. But the middle of the lake was 40-60 feet deep, not a place for a cramp... or to just drown in general. No rescue boats.. no life guards.
     So, 10 of us lined up. 9 cadets and one idiot... me! And we were off. I first noticed I was keeping pace with some of the front runners. Then I noticed one quit.. then another. I just kept a good stroke going. In little or no time, I was almost across the lake. I could hear faint cheers in the background... not just from our campsite, but from curious campers around the lake. Reaching the other side... I was alone. All the others had quit and turned back by the halfway point. I was elated.. tired... exhilarated. Cheers again from the Hippies. Jeers from the Cadets... "Now! You have to swim back!"


     I wasn't scared about the return trek, but I knew I had to rest a bit. After feeling a bit cold standing on the opposite shore, I decided it was time to get back in the water. I started slow, seemingly going nowhere. I picked up the pace, but all I could think about was getting a cramp. Then... I focused on Laurie... how I met her that morning. Probably one of the prettiest women I have ever met hanging around the ROTC program... other than my Amazon volleyball goddesses... I kept swimming. I focused on Major Frink. One of the most popular figures on campus. He was tall, good looking...with a beautiful wife... great looking, clean cut kids... and a cherry Mustang convertible. Frink liked me because I was independent, funny and just seemingly got through my father's murder a year or two earlier. Frink had been in Vietnam. he lost people, too. I kept swimming.
     As I started to hear cheers again I knew was getting closer to shore. Straight line. Even stroke. It seemed like hours... to me... but I was soon there. Most of the cadets had left for their campsite, but my hippies including... Frink... Ron.. and Laurie were there on the lake shore to celebrate my personal victory. I got a towel (did I even bring one?), a swig of some homemade rot gut/firestarter... a huge smile from Laurie and a proud fatherly look from Frink. I had my moment! I was back! Thank you, Nature. Thank you for not taking me 60 feet deep to the bottom of the lake but delivering me back to shore in calm waters.
     It rained a bit that night, but we hardly knew it. Ron had brought a 6 person tent and shared it with Laurie and me. All innocent! (Don't tell Shelley there was a woman in the tent exclaimed Ron! 30+ years and 3 kids later, the story is revealed! Sorry, Ron!)
     About dawn, a buddy of mine from my freshman dorm, Chris Friend, another hippie on this trip, came calling to us to get out of our tent... in a strange whispered tone. We went out to investigate (or probably just to pee). What we found was a small group of the Hippie guys perched behind a big rock. It seemed that there was a German student bathing in the lake. A buxom German student.A naked buxom German student.
     Laurie, joining us, quickly assessed the situation and commented, "she knows what she is doing!" and went back to bed.
     "I zee you boys!" Said the buxom Fraulein never once stopping sudsing her body with soap. After a minute or so, Ron and I left the gawkers and headed back to start a campfire to cook breakfast.
     Frink wanted everyone packed up and ready to make the second day hike up the Big Hill before lunchtime. Though a bit of a shorter hike on the third day, it was a bit of a rugged climb to get to the other set of cars we had left there. Frink asked for volunteers to police the area of the campsite and collect all the garbage... which had to be carried out, too. Ron and I surprisingly volunteered. The group hiked off... we immediately opened lawn chairs and sat admiring the lake. Ron drinking a beer, me finishing the last of my coffee. We sat... and sat. It was getting later... and later. I looked at Ron and suggested we had better get going or we would have to hoof it to catch up with our group. Ron had a better plan.
     We flagged down a fisherman and his kid in a powerboat on the lake. They gave us a ride to the shore below where the cars and van were parked. We gave him any and all drinks left in the cooler, thanked him and then stealthily worked our way up the hill. We climbed atop the van... set up the lawn chairs and waited.
     The first to arrive were some 'A Ten Hut' ROTC cadets. Claiming they were first, not seeing us... we could sense their disappointment and later scorn. In fact, everyone who arrived up the hill had a look of dissension... including Laurie.... and definitely Major Frink! He grilled us... almost angrily!
     Frink: How did you get here?
     Me: Well.. now.. that's a good story!
    Ron to the rescue! Ron: Well! We were reading our Outdoor Skills book! (Ron and I were taking the class at the time.) And in Chapter 8 it specifically states... when you are visiting a foreign place... get to know the Natives... learn their language... trade with them. We traded what was in our cooler for a ride... and that's how we got here.
     {BRILLIANT!.. and it was in Chapter 8} The Major scolded us, but we were both too personable and fun loving to be angry at for long. Maybe, an hour or so. Or the time it takes to drive back to the college campus. So off we went!
     Driving back, Ron at the wheel and Laurie napping in the backseat, I sat leafing through the Outdoor Skills book, conveniently brought along. I guess during the course of that course, I should have read it earlier. Good book. Good read. Good class. Hoo-ha!
     Ron was rushing to get back to his girlfriend Shelley. Laurie had some Little Sister Meeting at a fraternity house. Me? I had a date at my house with my claw foot bath tub.
     Laurie: You have a claw foot bath tub?
     Me: And a box of Mr. Bubble! Bring your bathing suit and a snack tray!
     Laurie: What time?
     Me: 6 PM!
     Laurie: Sorry! I have a meeting then.
     Me: I'll leave the door open in case you change your mind.
     Ron: I've got plans!
     Me: You... Mr. Trade with the Natives.... were NOT invited!
    Laurie: I'll think about it!
    Me: You do that!

     And so... back to civilization. Soaking in a huge tub to take away the grit & dirt and aches & pains of the camping weekend... and a surprise snack tray! The college camping trips went from just a nice break to a necessary, cathartic requirement. And though they called and called to have me join (but me, unwilling to give a 6 year post-college commitment), I do thank the ROTC for their gracious hospitality, if not musty amenities. To Ron (and Shellster).. Laurie... And all my best to Major Frink... on whatever island in Hawaii he and his gorgeous wife have retired. Thank you!

     I've come to cherish those college camping expeditions as the basis for all following camping adventures. Including... River Days: A Coming of Age Tale... Middle Age  Check it out!



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Tuesday, May 3, 2016

James Bond: Shaken.. & Stirring Things Up




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     Ian Fleming created a kick arse British Secret Agent, James Bond 007. Bond is a veteran of World War II. Navy. Decorated. Bond works for a section of Her Majesty's Secret Service department MI6. He is such a special agent for the government (spy) that he has been granted a  'licensed to kill'. Translation? He is a legal mass murderer...er... soldier... er... spy... er... government agent. Great job for a man with a cold heart, cool looks, cooler car, a special gun and love of bed-hopping.
And if the occasional young lady dies after meeting him... well... all part of the job. There will be others.
     Male model and bit actor Sean Connery donned the tuxedo first. Appearing in Dr. No, Bond's first foray onto the big screen, Connery quickly became a world-wide star. The Scottish actor followed that success with four more consecutive hit appearances.
     While Connery was making his first splash as 007 on screen in 1962... (just a few years later)  CBS TV produced a black and white version of Casino Royale starring American actor Barry Nelson. Notable, but forgettable. In fact, Casino Royale would be released on the big screen in 1967 starring David Niven, Woody Allen and Peter Sellars, all playing some version of a Bond character. Comic, semi-popular. It was obvious Bond in any form was a hot property.
     Connery stepped away from the role and was replaced by another male model George Lazenby. He had the looks, he had the style, he just wasn't very popular. Which was too bad, "On Her Majesty's Secret Service' had the making of a great Bond film as 007 got married and evil SPECTRE killed his beautiful wife played by the gorgeous Diana 'The Avengers/Brit TV Series' Rigg.
     Connery returned for one more go round in the 70's with 'Diamonds are Forever'. He was older. Paunchy. And wore a terrible toupee. It was a hit! But not enough to inspire him to continue on with his Aston Martin and shake martini role. In came... The Saint!
     The Saint was a popular radio series and later would become a TV series starring good looking Roger Moore. Moore would be perfect to replace the Connery Bond. He was suave, relied on gadgets instead of fist fights, loved the ladies (all races) and his hair stayed pretty much in place on a boat or jumping out a window. Moore starred as Bond in seven films from 1973- 1985. The Bond fandom was given a little shake-up in 1983 as Sean Connery came back to revive Bond in 'Never Say Never' a remake of his earlier 007 venture, Thunderball. Title was a tongue and cheek joke on how he would never play Bond again. This time, it was over for Connery. 1985's 'View to a Kill' was Moore's swan song as the UK spy hero.
     Waiting in the wings was a young Irish TV actor, Pierce Brosnan. He had the looks, but even better ... he had the female following from his show Remington Steele. Unfortunately, his TV show's producers had a contract.. and he was going to have to wait. 
     {Note: This happened before to another popular TV star, Tom Selleck. Selected to play Indiana Jones in the original Raiders of the Lost Ark, Selleck could not break his contract with producers of Magnum P.I. Harrison Ford took the part, the rest was film history!}
     Timothy Dalton did get his chance at Bond for 2 pictures. And then he was done. Timothy Dalton? Fine actor... bad guy in Rocketeer, good guy in Flash Gordon. And as Bond, he was also gone in a flash.
     Remington arrives and stars in four Bond pictures. They are all popular but the far fetched story lines and the end of the real Cold War cut into the spy genre's popularity. After his fourth Bond feature, Pierce Brosnan was cooly called (by some production underling) only to be told he was out.
     In was Daniel Craig, a blond, medium height, more athletic Bond. The series was rebooted back to Casino Royale (no comedy) and Craig was off and running. But the stress and strain of being Bond, even caught up to Daniel Craig. Craig is a very good, versatile actor. Bond must have been rewarding, but stifling to him. After SPECTRE, his last go round as Bond, he insinuated he was done with 007. And so... the rumors started to fly. Who's next?
     In the politically correct climate of post 9-11, why not a Black Englishman as Bond. Reboot the series to fit the times. Will it play? Only time will tell.. and projected Bond actor Idris Elba has yet to sign a contract (as of this blog).
     I have been a Bond fan all of my life. The series started in my youth and I followed it pretty much all through Connery, most of Moore, maybe one Dalton, maybe 2 Brosnans and all of Craigs. But as I have grown older, this current spy genre has lost me. I did like homages to Bond like Kingsman: Secret Service and 'The Man From U*N*C*L*E remake but only because they harkened back to early Bond series themes and devices. But now, how can you make a Bond film without worrying about falling into some Austin Powers hokiness? So, is it the end for Bond and me? Just play that theme song and see what happens!

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