Stick it to the Fickle Woman

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Stick it to Colin Kaeperdick

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Stick it to Super Hero Movies

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Late Night Feature: Ghostbusters 2016

Ghostbusters 2016
I have tried to watch this 3 times and it hasn't clicked yet! The same happened with 007 Skyfall and The Big Lebowski, but I probably will not finally give in to this one.

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Here we go...4 fine comediennes are cast in this reboot, buddy film... but they aren't given anything to work with that would fit their strengths. Melissa McCarthy isn't cussing, Leslie Jones is playing a softer Leslie Jones, Kristen Wiig mopes through it and Kate McKinnon seems to be just brushed off as 'the science weirdo'. Unfunny Chris 'Thor' Hemsworth is just that... unfunny. They all try to bond, but I'm not sure if any of these actresses even like one another or trust this film to propel their burgeoning careers.

Look! I had problems with the original Ghostbusters. Bill Murray mugged all through it and probably ad-libbed the funnier memorable lines. Alas... nothing memorable in this one. You don't believe they know the science... or the paranormal... other than maybe reading a World Weekly News (Batboy edition). At least, Dan Ackroyd (Producer of this slick CGI mess) and Harold Ramis could spout science nonsense and seem somewhat in character in the original. Why bring up the original? They seem to have stolen from it liberally to make this one. 

Not a fan of this film and I don't predict a sequel. But can Hollywood come up with something original and one for 4 comediennes?

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The Relationship between the Actor and the Agent

     To understand the relationship between an actor and his talent agent, I have decided to explain by dissecting an infamous joke. As you read, you will understand that there is truth behind all humor, but it is the lack of truth which provides the humor.
~ An actor comes home and finds his home ransacked...
[First let it be known, actors do not own houses. Mortgage companies rarely see acting as a profession worthy of an investment risk. And since most actors are on the go, and rarely have time to clean up the clothes, costumes, bags or make-up strewn about their living space, how would this actor know if his home had been ransacked at all?]
~ He find his wife and kids are tied up...
[An actor has a wife and kids? Maybe she showed up to drop off the kids for a visitation. Marriage and actors rarely mix. And if this actor was married with kids, she would have a job. And if she was working to support his career, she would show animosity and make him quit. Thus it would be a two income home and they could possibly afford a better security system.]
~The actor removes the duct tape covering his wife's mouth...
[Need I ask why any man in his right mind would go to the wife first? She will give him an earful in due time. So he should have untied the kids, fed them and got them to bed first. Then he could take all the coming verbal onslaught that he was due and the kids would not be crying and hungry.]
~She tells him that his agent came to the house and did all this...
[As you can see the set up is leading to a very simple punchline. So let's sidetrack here and talk about gas prices. I believe gas should cost $1.18 at the pump. There is no reason that it should not. Gas prices are based on what a handful of oil speculators believe that prices will be like in the near future. Well I say, what if in the future a voice (from the great beyond) sounds off and tells us specifically how to harness nuclear fusion? And what if the cost of energy becomes just pennies on the dollar and we could sue the big oil and gas companies for gouging consumers? Well, we would probably have to be taxed by the government to cover a larger defense budget used to protect us against countries that can now move, work and grow without our control. {Yes! Energy is a control issue!} Well? Then the whole point of gas and future prices would be mute. Now...back to the joke.
~PUNCHLINE: Actor says, "My agent came to the house?"
[Agents do not come to the house! They do not care, coddle or Jerry McGuire any of their clients unless that client has the potential of making them a mountain of money. Agents would not drive to an actor's house, they wouldn't know the address. If they did, actors would be paid quicker since the checks would be mailed to the right place. Agents would be too drunk to tie a good sturdy knot. Agents fear spouses because they already plot to destroy the agent's money maker's career. So this could not take place. Making it more a fantasy, then a joke based on any reality.]

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One Minute Theater: Politics Make Strange Bedfellows & Jonny Quest

The following is a ficticional account of the meeting between the GOP delegate leader and a certain Midwestern Governor (not unknown for his own political controversies). Meeting takes place in Governor's Mansion:

Drumpf: I guess the song was wrong...
Gov: What song is that?
Drumpf: "God didn't make those little green apples..."
Gov: I don't follow...
Drumpf: "Rain in Indianapolis..."
Gov: Yes! We have had quite a lot of rain this year...
Drumpf: Who sang that?
Gov: Rain? Er.. Prince?
Drumpf: This is going to haunt me all day!
Gov: Well.. I'm certainly honored that you could take time out of your busy schedule to come for a visit to the Hoosier State!
Drumpf: What the heck is that..
Gov: A Hoosier? Lots of people ask that.. and there are quite a few answers...
Drumpf: No! What the heck is the name of the guy who sang 'Little Green Apples"? Come on.. you know the song! It must be the State song or something.
Gov: No I believe that would be Back Home Again in Indiana?
Drumpf: That's weird! Why would your state song be about leaving... then coming back home? Letterman never moved back here...
Gov: So I hear you are on a bit of a time crunch...
Drumpf: It'll come to me... anywhooo.. where do you keep your cool plane? You still have it, right?
Gov: Plane? I have access to a jet. Yes!
Drumpf: No! The one you used to fly the Doctor and the kids around the world in! Bet you could hit Warp 3 or Mach 2 in that bad boy!
Gov: The Doctor?
Drumpf: Are you still practicing those Judo moves?
Gov: Excuse me! (To Lt. Governor) Do you know who he is referring to?
Lt. Gov: I believe he has you confused with Race Bannon...
Gov: ?
Lt Gov: Body guard and pilot from Jonny Quest!
Gov: ?
Drumpf: That's the guy!!!
Lt Gov: He's a character from a Saturday morning cartoon. Play along!
Drumpf: Roger...
Gov: ...Over and out!
Drumpf: Roger Miller sang the song!
Gov: Jonny Quest?
Drumpf: God Didn't Make Those Little Green Apples... and It don't Rain in Indianapolis in the Summertime.
Gov: Ah.. yes! THAT song!!!?!
Drumpf: Let's get down to brass tacks. If I offer you the Veep... will you teach all my kids judo?
Gov: I'm sure there are some fine Judo coaches we can look into...
Drumpf: You're right! There won't be enough time between flying the jet and fighting off the gargoyles!

Gov: Gargoyles...?
Lt. Gov: Go with it, Sir!
Gov: Mr. Drumpf.. I'm your Man... pilot...er.. judo guy!
Drumpf: Not so fast... I haven't offered anything yet!
Gov: I haven't accepted anything yet!
Drumpf: Oh! Is that how it's going to be?
Gov: If you think it is.. or isn't!
Drumpf: We'll discuss this more after I meet Bandit?
Gov: ?

Finis

(Note: A parody! We would like to acknowledge our great respect for Hanna/Barbera and Jonny Quest.. who made this all possible... oh.. and Roger Miller: God Didn't Make Those Little Green Apples

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The Cubs, The Deer..and I'm (almost) Out of Here

     The year was 1995. I was working for our family tool and die company in Richmond, Indiana. I kept a townhouse there and an apartment in Indy. I was not rich, I was lucky. The townhouse was in the family and I just happened to need a place to crash in Richmond during the week so I got to use it. In fact, the house was bare with only a few essentials... dining room table and chairs, bed, dressers and kitchen plates, pots and pans. No TV, but a piano. Minimal, but livable.
     My girlfriend lived in Indy not too far from my apartment on the North side. She worked 2 part time jobs (and 1 non-paying full time). She was trying to start a career as a financial advisor. It was going slow. Too slow.
     She was 13 years younger and our relationship ran both hot and cold. I was hot for her and she, in turn, would give me the cold shoulder. But I adored her all the same and kept up the chase.
      While working as operations manager and purchasing agent for the tool company, I had become friends with quite a few of our vendors, one in particular. A young lady from Western (upstate) NY. She sold paper products out of Amherst, NY. not too far from where my father's side of the family lived. Now... this was all way before Facebook, Snapchat, Instagram, Skype and even smart phones. We would talk via her company's 1-800 number or after 11 o'clock when the long distance rates were cheapest. Hey Kids... have we progressed? I would say... but I digress!
     This is actually the story of a baseball game... in a town known to party like mad on Opening Day. In 1995, the Cincinnati Reds Home Opener was against the Chicago Cubs... my two favorite teams!

     My buddy Timmy talked me into meeting up with him and a mutual buddy in Cincy for this opening day match up. The plan was simple... hit the bars... go to the game... hit the bars again. Well, seemed simple. Proved dangerous.
     I drove down a bit early and found parking. Waited about an hour for them to catch up with me at our first rendezvous. Timmy, Matt and I all have the gift of gab ... so even as Cubs fans... it was easy to make new friends everywhere we went in downtown Cincy, right before the Reds Opening Game of the season. Walking from bar to bar and later heading to the stadium... we got phone numbers (we would never use) and details about the best places to hit up after the game. Home town fans all in good cheer!
     At Riverfront, our seats ended up being behind the Cubs dugout on the third base side. Our Cubs admiration was not lost on some of the die hard Reds fans in the area and we took some well deserved ribbing... but we gave back as much as we took... as I remember. It's baseball... not some NFL Raiders/Chargers game where knives and guns decide who is the best and the baddest fans.
     Now the year before in 1994, MLB had a strike. It was so bad... they cancelled THE WORLD SERIES! No one cancels the World Series.. well.. maybe a world war. But not players... or team owners... but alas... baseball descended down the rabbit hole. The big question was whether the fans would come back to the ballpark? They did. It was a full house as I remember. But I also remember that around the fifth inning (or so)... a majority of fans pulled out toilet paper rolls and tossed them onto the field en masse. It was awesome! Prepared before hand. Quietly kept under wraps.. and pulled off beautifully.   
Dear Players and Owners:
You wanna cry?
Here! Wipe your ^#$# tears!
~ Signed
The Fans of MLB
      The Game ended and we headed to the bars downtown. Every place we were directed to before the game turned out to be a hot spot. Pretty girls, cheap drinks, music and more. We partied for about 3 more hours before we all decided to turn tail and run back to Indiana. I was popped, but had started to repair with water and coffee.
     Driving alone, I headed back to Richmond through Brookville Indiana. Small town Brookville is featured in my classic River Days: A Coming of Age Tale... MiddleAge. Available on Amazon... Buy it!
     All well in Brookville, driving past all the usual landmarks, stops, hangouts and river. Now... just head up the 101 toward Richmond. 30 minutes, at most!
     I used to play tennis with Kelly Kelly, a beautiful young lady who I had met in the Brookville area during a past canoe adventure. The tennis courts we played on were just on the north side of town. As I passed them, I remember smirking a bit. I did not realize danger was just past the next curve.
     On a hill, on the east side of the highway was a 6-8 point buck. He looked down at me in my Nissan Sentra... made eye contact... then lowered his head and charged at the car! WTF??? It all went into slow motion, even as fast as the incident happened in real time. He hit the passenger door. Flew above the windshield, tapping it with a hoof or two... like F^%( ing Rudolph the Red Nosed (flying) Reindeer... and landed on the other side of the highway. Amazingly, I was still in control of the fast moving vehicle... Wait! No... I wasn't! The car made two complete spins on its own. (Praise the Lord! No traffic, either way.) Finally landing tail end first into a rocky ravine off the shoulder of the road.
     Now people say when you are having a near death experience, you will see your entire life pass before your eyes. I will confess this... I remember seeing life events up to and including the combination to the locker I used during my sophomore year in high school (12... 27... 34) 20 years prior.
     The deer got up... stumbled a bit.. and then ran off peeing blood. It sprinted away as best it could. I was trapped in the car by a seat belt that wouldn't unbuckle (but probably saved my life!)
     The first person to stop and make contact was some woman who claimed to work for the highway patrol... and she'd go get a cop! Yikes! Day just got better! Not!
     The second vehicle was a pick up truck with two good old boys asking if I wanted the deer. "No! Kill it.. and the rest of his whole family!" They parked the truck on the opposite shoulder, took out a couple rifles (support the NRA) and lit out on foot after Bambi's Dad!
     What followed was a long line of gawkers and rubberneckers. The last being the driver of a truck cab who stopped, got out and actually walked down the ravine to check on my situation in the car.
     "You bleeding?" ..."You hurt?" ..."You have any chains to pull yourself out?"
     " No... don't think so!" ... "Just my pride!"... "Chains? What?"
     Well... Mr. Trucker could instantly tell that I was in no shape to get out of that ravine by myself... or to be driving at all, for that matter... ("How many beers you been drinking?") So, he went back to his truck, opened a side compartment and pulled out his own set of chains. Placed them under my car... and dragged me out.
     "Now listen! I live up the hill.. the house with the blue and red reflectors at the end of the driveway. I want you to go to my driveway and stay there until you pull yourself together!"
     "Yes, Sir!"
     And I did. I found the driveway. Pulled off far from the road and waited a good 30 - 40 minutes to clear my head and think about what all had happened! As I sat on his property assessing life and death, I watched a parade of highway patrol cars racing back and forth, up and down Highway 101 looking for the 'mysterious, vanishing deer clobbering' vehicle.
     I made it to Richmond by sun down. Stopped at Mom's house to report what had happened... she seemed genuinely concerned. I then headed straight to the Townhouse.
     First call was to my Indy girlfriend. I told her about how I was hit by a deer and now felt lightheaded from the experience. She told me that it was her night off and she was heading downtown to go dancing with some friends. "Just... take it easy... take some Tylenol. You'll be fine! Look.. I gotta go!"
     Second call was to Miss Amherst NY. I told her the whole story... beers, bars and all... Her reply? "You get to the emergency room and get checked out now! Don't lay down... don't go to sleep!" (I told her I was tired and wanted a nap!) "I am going to call back in one hour! If you do not answer the phone.. I will call an ambulance and the police to break down your door! Do you hear me..."
     Guess which one I married?

     Now, what exactly did I learn from the flying deer adventure? Life is fragile, but extremely livable! And be sure... to count your blessings everyday... especially when you are prone to make a bad decision or two.

Go Cubs!


Finis

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One Minute Theater: My (Next) Wife... Female Astronaut!

     This edition of One Minute Theater is dedicated to the most daring, courageous, heroic and glorious woman on this planet... and beyond! The Female Astronaut!


(Dinner party at a hoity toity home in an upper crust neighborhood... probably Carmel, Indiana.)
Chip: ... Well... no one goes to Cabo anymore. It's completely overrun with college kids and middle class divorcees maxing out their Mastercards.
Buffy: Oh, Chip! Too too funny!
Chip: I know... right?
Gavin: If I ever divorced Bunny... I'm pretty sure she would sell all of our things and move aboard a cruise ship to live the rest of her life!
Bunny: You know me too well, Gavin!
Me: Hello! Great party! Thank you for inviting us!
Chip: I'm afraid we haven't met... I'm Chip and this my wife Buffy!
Me: Yes! I met Buffy at a fundraiser last Christmas...
Buffy: Really? Which one? Toys for Extraordinary Orphans? Mothers Against Impaired Holiday Imbibers? Bell Ringers for Berlitz?
Chip: Buffy is always so active with her committees.
Buffy: They are like a job! Like a REAL job, I must tell you! And I worked for two whole years after college. I know!
Gavin: Hello! I'm Dr. Gavin Norstrumeier.. ear nose and throat!
Me: A pleasure!
Gavin: And my wife, Bunny! Her real name is Magdeline, but we all find that to be too Holy Landish so we all call her Bunny!
Bunny: Yep! Bunny!
Others: Bunny!
Bunny: Yep... Bunny... like a cute... little Bunny!
Me: What do you do Bunny?
Bunny: Do? Oh... like work! I mostly volunteer. Functions for Vegans.. animal rights... some PETA events... humane society... animal control... rescue and adoptions. I stay busy most of my free time. Taking care of Gavin is a full time job!
Chip: What do you do, Old Man?
Me: I am a writer!
Others: Oh... a writer... yes.. a writer... so a writer?
Buffy: I read a lot! Danielle Steele... and whatever Oprah recommends.
Me: That's great!
Bunny: Are you with someone or did you sneak in here alone?
Me: Me? No! I am with my wife!
Chip: Your wife? Great! Where is she?
Me: She's sitting on the sofa. Texting the babysitter.
Bunny: Kids, too! Fabulous. You must be doing well... as a writer!
Others: (Getting good look at Wife) She is very pretty. What does she do all day?
You know... while you... write!
Me: Oh she stays busy... with NASA!
Gavin: Excuse me... did you say...
Me: Yes! NASA! She's an astronaut! She has been on the International Space Station 3... no, I'm wrong... 4 times! She is an astro-engineer. Doctorate from Purdue... and M.I.T. She helped design a lot of the new living and sleeping quarters on the space station... and for the new Orion space capsule being unveiled soon. But as you know.. it's all in those patents. Money.. money... money! I'm just kidding... well ... not really. I just adore my little American Hero! Honey...
Astronaut Wife: (Joining the dumbfounded group) Hello, Sweetheart! Making new friends?
Me: Sure... why not? Everyone ... this is the Colonel. And Colonel this is... I guess... everyone.
Astronaut Wife: Wonderful party. We'd really love to stay longer, but we have a little emergency to deal with at home.
Me: The babysitter?
Astronaut Wife: No! Not at all. Well... to make this simple...there is a component the Russians brought aboard the ISS for use in their sleeping quarters.. and it did not fit right.. so I have to walk them through repairs while on a video link up at 0500 ...tomorrow morning.
Me: Let's get you home and into bed... Hey! Great party! Let's do this again... sometime... soon... I guess! (Leaves with Astronaut Wife)
Buffy: Well.. of all the nerve... showing off like that!
Bunny: I say!
Chip: People can be so stuck up!
Gavin: Who cares what some people do for a living? I mean... you don't have to belittle those of us who make a difference.
Chip: Here! Here!
Gavin: Oh.. BTW... your kid's tonsil bill is overdue!
Chip: Not a good time, Gav... Old Man!
Buffy: Quick... to the door... what kind of car are they driving?


Finis

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Talking to the Mirror... 30 years later!

The following is an interview between 23 year old me and the current irascible, incarnation of myself.

{Note: At age 23, I had started a theatrical production company producing original showcases, touring shows and musicals. I was written up in newspapers like the Dallas Morning News and the Dallas Times Herald as an up & comer. I performed in a handful of big budget and independent films. I wrote articles for a series of magazines. I tested and performed comedy material at the Houston Comedy Workshop. I wrote jokes for a number of comedians. I performed in scores of radio, TV commercials and training films. I was single, tan, thin with a full head of black curly hair.}

OLD ME: So... you are still alive? That's a plus!
CURRENT ME: Surprised even me... especially since I smoked like a chimney for all those years.
OM: How did all that go.. especially with our asthma?
CM: We had our moments. Especially playing sports like basketball, soccer, baseball and softball... sports induced asthma and sleep apnea have been no fun!
OM: You played all those things after 25... 30? When did you finally quit?
CM: A few years after Jessica was born. I decided to let her shine. My knees were done. I remember in my late 30s.. even more so in my 40s... when I made a slide tackle in soccer or slid into second base... I would say to myself... "I'm gonna feel that at 50!" And believe me, I do!
OM: Where are our millions?
CM: ...Of dollars? Hahahaha... Ask my ex and a couple former live in girlfriends. Oh... they never tell you that after a divorce.. with your child living 2 states away... that divorced dad thing can be really expensive!
OM: Does your daughter appreciate you for all of that?
CM: She's coming out of her teenage years... and very responsible. She knows that I love her... and that I never wanted to make it a tug of war with her mother.
We communicate a whole lot better than I ever did with Mom at your age!
OM: How is dear old Mom?
CM: She was diagnosed with dementia at age 70... Alzheimer's soon after that. It has been an emotional struggle, but I have stayed close.
OM: Not me! I don't think I would care all that much.
CM: As you age, you find it all becomes part of the circle of life. You either commit or quit!
OM: So... we never got hair plugs?
CM: In my 30s, I created a persona... two actually. One was Cap 'N' Mike. I changed from wearing that stupid rain hat I wore back then... to a baseball cap. Usually a Cubs cap. I had headshots made with the baseball cap look. I got a hell of a lot of Joe Job commercials as Cap 'N' Mike!
OM: Joe Jobs?
CM: Plumbers. Dads playing catch with the kids. Construction workers, etc...
OM: And your other persona?
CM: Business Mike... a gruff looking business guy... kinda like ... Ed Asner.
OM: I noticed you got fat...
CM: No one stays 160lbs forever. (LOL) Back in Texas, especially in the Swamp {My old house}... it was like a sauna 300+ days a year. Who didn't lose weight? Plus, 2 packs of smokes a day were a better diet than Slimfast... maybe not as healthy, but a meal alternative just the same.
OM: What happened to my MG Midget?


CM: I replaced it with a Mazda Miata. Japanese, but doesn't break down every other month. It was actually my divorced dad car!
OM: How WAS marriage?
CM: Quick.. only a few years... then annulled. Amazingly, the Church can and will annul your marriage.. and there is really nothing you can do about it... that is, unless you want to be a real pain to your Ex and try to fight it... but in the end, you lose. Why waste the energy? I think the annulment was the first step to healing my psyche after the divorce.
OM: What is our best accomplishment?
CM: Jessica, by far! Other than the hundreds and hundreds of commercials, the plays, short stories and books... I am definitely proudest of my Creative Kids Acting program!
OM: You followed through with that, huh?
CM: I started it to give back to a new generation of kid actors... what happened is ... the kids gave me back way more in return.
OM: Are you happy?
CM: Sure! I love what I do. I've been lucky to do what I love. And occasionally I get paid for it. LOL. Just kidding.... maybe not... but it's been quite a ride. Lost a lot of friends along the way... But I have a great circle of friends... people who like and respect me.. and even some who really look out for me. I mean...who could ask for anything more?
OM: Where do you see us in 30 years?
CM: As ashes spread over Pam Anderson.
OM: Wait... what...who?
CM: Never mind. I guess I would still like to be kicking and irascible. Still pinching girls' bottoms when I hug them... and ... maybe if I get that old... I'll have been watching NASA land on Mars.. and laughing my ass off as all those 'Martian Colony nuts' cried back to Earth to be saved!
OM: I don't get the NASA thing, but... you have always been a bit out there...
CM: Back at ya!
OM: Look... it's been good talking to you, old man!
CM: You, too! Oh.. BTW... When Allison Stofer calls you in about 13 years and tries to sell you paper goods for the Tool Company... ask her to marry you ...right then and there.
OM: O...K... Again, I don't get it, but I'll make note of it. You know... I don't want to get married... yet!
CM: You will.... Oh, brother... like a ticking clock... you will! Find the right one!... (All..i..son... Sto...!)
OM: Look.. I've got my rehearsal here in just a bit ...and ... need to get going... but nice talk!
CM: Take it easy, Kid! Remember don't stress too much... things tend to fall into place a hell of a lot quicker when you just let it all go!
OM: Sounds zen! Peace out, Buddha!
CM: Later, Kid!

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The Superman Sketch

      The Superman Sketch was developed to be part of a short video produced by the Creative Alternative Acting Program (The adult acting side of  The Creative Talent Workshop). I've dusted off the script and present it here to you.

{Note: A parody. Any resemblance between any of these characters or persons living or DC is purely intentional. Dedicated to Jerry & Joe!}

Scene 1: Office/Board room

CLARK KENT, JIMMY OLSEN, ART FLEMING and LOIS LANE are sitting around a board room table. PERRY WHITE is at the head of the table conducting a news gathering meeting.

PERRY: ...And the brunt of the cost for construction of the new Metropolis stadium will come from a hotel and restaurant tax... paid in most part by the citizens of Metropolis.

JIMMY: Does Metropolis even need a new stadium, Chief?

PERRY: Olsen! We are getting one either way. And don't call me...

LOIS: Chief? How about an in depth article that blows the lid off of the corporate greed and governmental corruption that went into financing the deal?

PERRY: Good angle, Lois!

JIMMY: Maybe we should just get Superman to build it.

LOIS: How about it, Clark? Wanna ask your friend Superman if he'd like to build the new stadium?

CLARK: Uh...Yes...uh... Superman...

VOICE: Help me Superman! Aaaaah!

ART: We were 1-15 last year. The old stadium was already a Fortress of Solitude.

They all laugh except CLARK. Close up of CLARK'S ear...

VOICE: Help me Superman! Save me Superman! Help Superman!

PERRY: Moving on.... There's been an increase in crime on the Metropolis' waterfront. It seems that nobody's monitoring the docks these days. And with the influx of foreign shipments...well, let's see... I have a report here from both the Metropolis police department and the FBI that states...

As PERRY continues on, we hear more and more voices crying out for Superman.

PERRY: (Finishing up) ...And I want it accompanied with a complete set of photos, Olsen! ... And please, Son! No more pictures of sailors home on leave.

JIMMY: Sorry, Chief... Mr. White!

CLARK: Um...Excuse me, Chief! But I've got to... er... take off... er... leave... I just realized that I have an appointment with... well... I've got to go.

LOIS: An appointment, Clark? I bet you're just trying to duck out and get a head start on my stadium story. Are you trying to scoop me again with my own story idea, Clark?

CLARK: Yes! I mean... No, Lois... I forgot that I had a... a...

VOICE: Superman, please! For the love of all that is good and decent... Aaaaah!

JIMMY: He doesn't need YOUR leads, Miss Lane! He’s the top reporter here at the Daily Planet and I think Mr. Kent is just SUPER!

CLARK: Er.. uh.. what?  (Rising)  I really should be going...

PERRY: Sit down! I didn't call this meeting just to hear myself talk. In fact, Kent! I have made a note to myself here that you have excused yourself... (looks at notes)... from our last 207 meetings!

ART: Damn!

PERRY: Were you ever planning to sit through an entire meeting without getting up to go off to god knows who knows where the hell you go? I mean, Great Caesar's Ghost, Kent!

ART: (Confidentially to Clark)  I gave up lunch at Applebee's to be here, Kent!... And you know it's 1/2 price Riblets before 4 o'clock on Thursdays!

LOIS: Clark? Does it always have to be about you?

PERRY: OK! Folks! We are still working here! Next up... we have a story on the large number of 'exploding' Tickle-me-Elmos. It seems that when these dolls get "tickled", they start short circuiting and setting children on fire...

CLARK looks resigned to sit through the rest of the meeting. He covers his ears.

Scene 2 Clark Kent's Office

CLARK still reeling from the meeting drops off his briefcase on his desk. Camera has him finishing his work at a super speed. Phone rings.

CLARK:  (Debating on answering, picks up phone) Um...Hello? Clark Kent...

VOICE ON PHONE: Hello, sir! I am conducting a survey and I only need 4 or 5 minutes of your time.

CLARK: Look! I am kind of busy here...

VOICE: That's ok, Sir. This is only a survey and we are not selling anything. All you have to do is answer a few simple questions... let's begin, shall we? OK
#1 Are you happy with your cell phone and internet service?
If you are happy with your cell phone and internet service, would you say you are:
A. mildly happy
B. a medium low happy
C. Medium happy
D. Tepid happy
E. Luke warm happy
F. Slightly above medium happy
G. Average happy
H. Happy...

Scene 3 Hallway

CLARK tries to duck into a storage room. He is stopped by an elderly employee.

LAVERNE: Excuse me, Clark?

CLARK: Darn!

LAVERNE: What? Oh Clark? Can I speak with you a second?

CLARK: Why yes, Laverne... but I was about to... uh... (looks over her shoulder at supply closet) How can I help you?

LAVERNE:  The new parking arrangement. When I first got my car... Not the car I am driving now... but the one that my late husband left for me... even though he probably knew that it had too much horsepower... and was terrible on gas... and I never did like the color... and I even had a chance to speak with the car dealer before my husband... (God rest his soul) ...purchased it off the lot... though they were going to charge him a delivery fee... even though all cars have to be delivered to the dealer ...somehow and it's just a way to make more money from the customer. Well... that car used to fit my parking space... a little tight but not as bad as the car that I bought a few years ago when we used to get a bonus....

CLARK: Laverne! I really have to get going here...

LAVERNE: But I am not complaining ...after the Daily Planet cut about 2/3 of its employees... a few years back I was grateful that at my age they didn't let me go... or phase out my department in research. You never visit us much anymore, Clark. Well...

VOICE:  Help me, Superman! Where is Superman? Superman pleeeeease!!!!

LAVERNE: ...They moved my parking assignment to the fifth floor from the third floor and put me next to the compact car parking... but no one observes the rule for compact cars and they just park freely where ever they want. And when a big car parks in the compact car spot, it doesn't give me enough room to park my car. Not the one I got from my late husband... (God rest his soul)... but the new one I got when I made  the down payment with our last bonus check....

Scene 4 Montage of life or death situations

Video montage of life and death situations with accompanying voice overs!

Scene 5 The BAR

CLARK is seated at the end of the bar holding a fluorescent green drink in a shot glass. His tie is undone and you can partially see a glimpse of his blue costume top from his open shirt collar. He is drunk.

BARTENDER: Rough day, Buddy?

CLARK: (Drunk on a fluorescent green shot) It's.. the people of your planet! Everyday.... it's I WANT THIS... OR I NEED THAT.. OR SAVE ME FROM AN EARTHQUAKE... or a FLOOD.... or an ICE RAY! Human Beings! Can't they just get together and work it out amongst themselves? (Turns to his left) YOU know what I'm saying!

SANTA CLAUS: I HEAR YA!

JESUS: I HEAR YA

Bright light from above

GOD: I HEAR YOU!

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One Minute Theater: Blind Date Spit Take

(Man & Woman on a blind date. This comes from a flashback and is based on real events. Names have been changed to protect... well... me! )

Man: I thought we might both like giving this restaurant a try.
Woman: I think I saw it on the Groupon web site. I hate visiting places like this without checking to see if they have a coupon or a discount of some sort.
Man: That's OK! It's my treat.
Woman: Well... of course! I never pay for a man on a date. But I may come back here with some of the guys...er... girls from the office... that is, if it’s any good.
Waiter: Welcome to Chez Fritz! Here are your menus. And... while you take your time deciding on dinner, let me go ahead and put in your drink orders.
Man: Sure! I’ll have an iced tea...
Woman: You’re not drinking?
Man: Oh no! Go ahead. Order anything you'd like...
Woman: Well! I’m not going to order something if you’re only going to be drinking soft drinks all night...
Man: (To waiter)... iced tea.
Woman: What kind of beers do you have on tap?
Waiter: We have a wide variety of imports, all the domestics and some nice IPAs... If you want the full list... our current beer list may be found on the back of the... (Woman stares down Waiter ... he proceeds to list 25 of their popular beers from memory)
Woman: Oh! Just get me a Coke... No! Make that a Diet... Oh! Just bring me a glass of ice water!
Waiter: Very good!  I’ll be right back with your drinks... and bring out some complimentary rolls...
Woman: Wait! What kind of butter do they come with?
Man: Butter?
Waiter: Our rolls come with a signature whipped butter blend created by our chef.
Woman: Well... you'd better bring out a sample of that. I don’t like the signature butter most restaurants use ... like O’Charley’s... or Texas Roadhouse....
Man: Hmmm! Why not just give it a taste test when the rolls come out?
Woman: Oh! I know it won't taste like real butter. I probably won’t like it. And I know I will have to send it back.
Man: I can already see the foreshadowing...
Woman: The what? What did you say?
Man: (To waiter) The drinks and rolls will be fine...
Woman: ...And a sample of your butter!
Waiter: Very good! I'll take your order when I return. (He withdraws.. writing a note on his pad)
Woman: So... what do you do for a living?
Man: I create and test programs for a Virtual Reality systems company that works with doctors, hospitals and research labs...
Woman: You make video games? I hate video games. They are soooo stupid! What a waste of time and money. Video games!
Man: Well! These aren’t exactly video... games ... per say...
Woman: I bought my son a PS2 or 4 or XBox something. He must have 1000 of those games lying around the living room. He and his father play them from the time they wake up til the time they go to bed. I can hardly vacuum the place....
Man: His father lives with...?
Woman: Oh, no! Poopie!... They didn’t list any of the specials. I don’t want to eat something they have cooked 1000x. (Looking around the room) What are the specials?
Man: Go ahead and order anything you'd like...
Woman: (Tries to stop Waiter heading to the kitchen with another order) Excuse me... Waiter! (She snaps her fingers. Man winces) Waiter! (Snaps, then snaps again)
Waiter: Yes, Ma’am! Are you ready to order?
Woman: Ummmmm... What are your specials tonight?
(The Waiter goes through a list of 6-7 appetizing specials. He details how they are prepared... and their discounted prices... three times)
Woman: Oh! I’ll just have a steak. Not the 10 oz ...like this one in the menu or the 6 oz... like this one in the menu. Just have them prepare one... in between. And please! Not medium... or well done. Something in between. If it’s too well done... I will send it back. I'd like some pink. Not all pink. And not red! I want a salad with vinaigrette... on the side... do not put any on the salad. Bring out real pepper! Make it with no cheese. but an extra tomato. No egg... and no bacon. Gawd how I hate bacon bits. They are fake and taste dry and rubbery...
Waiter: Ahem... no bacon! And for your other side?
Woman: A baked potato. Not burned, please. (To Man, without looking up from her menu) They burn them in places like this! They sit in their ovens for hours and hours. (To Waiter) A baked potato with...half butter... half sour cream. Do not let the butter touch the sour cream. Separate the two. And please! Real butter. No house blend... Oh, while I'm thinking about it... bring out a sample taste of that vinaigrette, too. Some restaurant vinaigrette tastes too wine-y!
Man: Too wine-y?
Woman: And when you come back... bring along a dessert menu... I want to see the dessert list.  Or do you have a dessert tray? I want to see it before we eat our dinner.  If I fill up too much on the meal, I might not enjoy my dessert... and I love my desserts!
Waiter: Very good! (He remarkably reads back her exact dinner order, subtlely mimicking the Woman's inflections)
Waiter: ...And for the gentleman?
Man: Just the... check, please!
Woman: What?
Man: Check, please! Look! I apologize... but we will be leaving! This was a bad idea from the start. I'm sorry for wasting your time... and the table.
Woman: Well... of all the nerve! Why would you do such a thing?
Man: To be honest with you?...  I was afraid... I mean, really afraid...
Woman: Afraid of what?
Man: Afraid the waiter would forget whose meal belonged to whom... mix 'em up... and I’d get the one with spit on it!
(Woman goes silent)
Man: We'll just hit a Drive thru on the way home! Again, sorry!
Waiter: No problem, Sir! ... There is no charge... But might I just say... I do bet the evening will get better for you and your lady friend!
Man: (Handing the Waiter a tip) Oh... I think you'd lose that bet!

~ Finis

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Oh dear! Oh dear! A little tinkle in your ear!

     Back in the day, there were 3 TV networks, maybe one independent station and a PBS channel. Around midnight, each station would sign off for the night.
Static screens ruled the night until a test pattern popped up in the early morning.
Though I had to drag myself out of bed to get ready for school during the week, on the weekend I would be waiting for the arrival of that test pattern. It was a ritual.
1. Quietly sneak down stairs.
2. Turn on TV (manually... there were no remotes... I was the remote!)
     {Side story: I would be in my room glancing over some NFL or Hot Rod magazine when all of a sudden my father calls me downstairs in a voice that hearkened to some kind of emergency.
     "Mike!" I all but flew downstairs, not once stepping on any stair step, but swinging down the banister like a gymnast. "Turn the TV to channel 13.... 'ka-chink chink chink'... now 8.... 'ka-chink chink chink' ...now 6...." ad infinitum. End of side story}
3. Turn down the volume on the family Philco TV so as not to wake the house.
4. As TV warms up, head back upstairs (quietly) and gather pillows and a blanket.
5. Sneak back down downstairs (quietly).
6. Create a pillow fort in front of the TV screen. A nest of bedroom pillows, sofa pillows, and a blanket or two so close to the TV set that as the urban legend would have us believe...we could die of radiation poisoning.
7. As the test pattern ends... TV station disclaimers begin.
8. Suffer through an early morning broadcast of a rural TV farm report.
9. Watch a bloc of local commercials until the network feeds start to broadcast.
10. Then... watch a full half day of the best cartoons (and kid programming) Warner Bros, Filmation, Sid & Marty Krofft, etc... had to offer.
     (Unless we were playing sports. We were not allowed to watch Saturday Morning Cartoons on those days we had games. It was a rule my father laid down. He believed that TV ruined your eyes and would affect your vision and coordination on the field or court. See urban legend in #6.)
     So here I am all nestled comfortably in my pillow bunker, when all at once they start up with...

   The Saturday Morning Barrage of Sugary Sweet Cereal Commercials!
     Tony the Tiger's Greaaaaaaat Frosted Flakes. Sugar Bear for Sugar Crisp. Quisp and Quake. Snap, Crackle and Pop's Rice Krispies. Captain Crunch. Toucan Sam for Fruit Loops...
     {Side story on Fruit Loops. We all had cereals we liked, but then there were certain brands we wouldn't touch. It was easy for parents to find out which brand was a least favorite by purchasing a 6 or 8 variety pack and see what box sat unopened for any extended period of time. Apple Jacks? Special K?
     My least favorite cereal was Fruit Loops...to this day! But on one special Sunday during my high school years... the morning after a Doobie Bros concert which had become an illegal underage drink and partyfest ... on a delicate stomach, I had to eat a bowl of Fruit Loops in front of my father to prove I was not hungover. It was miserable. Each bite worst than the last. I ate 3/4 of a bowl when my father decided to join me. He took only one bite and realized the milk was spoiled. I spent the rest of that Sunday morning praying to the porcelain god! End of side story.}
    Well, no kid was going to last watching 20+ cereal commercials (those cereals that come with a prize inside the box) intermingled between ads for Hot Wheels, Barbies, GI Joes, Slip 'n' Slides, Super Balls, Frisbees, PF Flyers and Red Ball Jets... and not get hungry. Off to the kitchen to gorge on Life Cereal (this Mikey DID like it), Raisin Bran, or tumble weed thick Shredded Wheat! Eaten from a bowl that would somehow never voluntarily make it into the sink afterward.
     Back to the Nest... but wait! It had been invaded. It was now operating under a different flag. The new commander of the pillow fort? A younger brother. Only 4 years old and already making costly errors in his short lived life.
     "Out!"
     "You snooze, you lose!" Wait! What? I taught him that when I took over his... {fill in any fun activity}. It's what Big Brothers do. And now he is usurping my Saturday morning power of controlling the TV from a fort of my own device?
     Now, there is normal punishment and torture... and there is Big Brother punishment and torture. Can't breathe! Can't breathe! But if you can guess what happened next ...when a 'bran filled' loaded brother aims to unleash on his innocent, but obnoxious younger sibling... then I can spare you the gassy details. Younger brother pops up swinging and chases me through the house. Me laughing... all the way back to the kitchen for bowl number 2 or 3. Younger brother calls for a cease fire and joins the cereal brigade.
     Now, after so much cereal... a visit to the throne room is in order. And when you are a kid.. and know you are going to spend any extended period of time in there... you bring along a Marvel or DC comic with you! And so, as I perused the adventures of Dr. Bruce Banner, I heard the loudest scream ever from our house on old 54th Street. I will piece together the details:
1. Younger brother finishes breakfast.
2. Returns to nest.
3. Nest taken over by older sister who remarks... "You snooze, you lose!"
4. Younger brother retaliates by trying to unleash a gas attack aimed at her.
5. Can't muster any gas... BUT... accidentally PEES in her ear!
     We were told that the scream was heard as far as 6 blocks away... but it was also rumored that a US military spy plane... 3 passenger jets ... and both defunct Sputnik and Telstar satellites had recorded a strange, unidentified  'blip' at that exact time. But... that could be an urban legend!
     End note: In 2015, the television networks made the decision to no longer broadcast Saturday Morning Cartoons in favor of morning news shows. Heck! We had our own news show every 30 minutes... CBS 'In The News' with Christopher Glenn. But I digress.
     Whether it was competition from cable channels, the war on PC content, educational guideline discrepancies or costs... Saturday Morning Cartoons on the major networks were now gone. We have reached the end of an era! Long live  Scooby Doo, The Archies, Bugs & Road Runner, The Monkees, H.R. Puffenstuff, Fat Albert, et al... You shaped a generation of early morning rising, sugar buzzed TV cartoon addicts! It was a gas!

    

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One Minute Theater: That Old Gang of Mime

Welcome to One Minute Theater.
Spectacular drama to help you goof off... er... get you through your busy day!

Outside the Police Interrogation Room
Two officers stand in front of the one way glass discussing the person sitting alone inside the room. The suspect is a mime.
Cop #1: So? Who is this clown?
Cop #2:  I believe he is a mime!
Cop #1: A what?
Cop #2: A mime.
Cop #1: Did you get anything out of him?
Cop #2: Not a word.
Cop #1: Really? So what’s his story?
Cop #2: Well! He seems to have been confined in a box at some point.
Cop #1: And he told you this?
Cop #2: Again, not a word. But it must have been some place that was windy.
Cop #1: So! He told you that?
Cop #2: As I said... he hasn’t uttered one word!
Cop #1: I don’t follow. Where are you getting all the details about the box and weather?
Cop #2: He described them to me.
Cop #1: Oh! It was then he stopped talking...?
Cop #2: He's never once uttered a word.
Cop #1: I don’t follow. Hmmm! What's with the clown make-up?
Cop #2: I believe the white face paint is used to help exaggerate his facial expressions.
Cop #1: So! He’s not a Caucasian, then?
Cop #2: He appears to be.
Cop #1: I don’t follow.
Cop #2: He’s what they call a 'street performer'.
Cop #1: He sells to kids on the street?
Cop #2: What? No! He doesn’t sell anything, but he does take donations.
Cop #1: Ahhh! A bunko artist!
Cop #2: I believe he’s more a performance artist.
Cop #1: Ahhh! Performing some community service?
Cop #2: Er.. no... while he does perform for the community... er.. people... I don’t believe it's a service.
Cop #1: What’s he charged with?
Cop #2:  Intimidation. Accosting a spectator. It started out with some imaginary rope trick. He just kept pulling at it... and pulling... pulling...
Cop #1: So! It was a tied up spectator who called out for police assistance?
Cop #2: No! But after the rope routine... he came over to the crowd... snatched and grabbed a police officer’s hat, put it on his head and started to comically mimic the officer in front of the crowd... making large, menacing gestures. It provoked laughter from the spectators. A lot of laughter... at the officer's expense.
Cop #1: So... that is when a spectator in the crowd got hurt?
Cop #2: Yes.... well... no spectator. It was... Me! He hurt my feelings. Look! Ridiculing an authority figure by insulting his position of authority is the first step toward civil disobedience, I’ll have you know...
(The mime gets up from his chair and walks over to the one way glass. He pretends to clean the glass a bit then looks out and starts acting like he is rubbing his eyes and starting to cry.)
Cop #2: (Quietly, while tapping on the glass with his finger) You... are... a dead mime!
(The mime staggers as if suffering a heart attack.. then collapses... while pulling a plastic flower out of his sleeve which he holds against his chest... finally lying 'dead' on the Interrogation Room's floor.)
Cop #1: (Laughs) What a clown!
Cop #2: Mime!... A  ^#%#& Mime!

~ Finis

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Every Day a Little Death!

     Years ago, I was standing offstage at the Scott Theatre in Ft. Worth, Texas listening to the orchestra play a Stephen Sondheim lilting musical passage from the show 'A Little Night Music'. It was the intro to the song 'Every Day a Little Death' and on stage was the very talented actress/performer and friend Shannon Avnsoe. She was about to take command of the entire show and audience with her performance. The same musical performance that became not only a breath taking, show stopping moment for me... but one that has continued to stay in my psyche to this very day. The memory of that song has reaffirmed my spiritual belief over and over again.. if you are not living, you are dying. And in the case of someone close dying, the whole process will try to take a little bit of your spirit away, too.
     Ever hear somebody say 'my life really changed after I lost {fill in relative, sibling, friend, etc...}? Sure. Life IS change. Nothing ever stays the same. Our memories are all but chapters in a scrapbook or novel we have created (and seemingly edit) in our mind over time. For so many people their novels have lots of crossover stories and characters, yet no two parallel each other completely. But isn't that the definition of reality? No two people experience 'the absolute truth' the same way. But I digress!
     When I lost my father, it was quick. He was shot on a Monday morning. He died in the hospital by midnight that night. That may not sound quick to some, but now with Mom fighting Alzheimer's for 16 years, it was the blink of an eye.
     Mom started with dementia. How do I know? I had her tested by a friend who worked for the Mental Health Association. She surprisingly passed. But only a few months later, some local family doctor diagnosed her with Alzheimer's and all but sealed her fate. Months in a nursing home in her old hometown, a year or two in a senior living apartment in a nursing facility in Indy... followed by years in the dementia ward... followed by more years in the Alzheimer's unit. Every day a little death.
     Note: The following words are not a dig at any of my siblings or extended family members. I, for one, know that we have our own lives to lead and that we all grieve in our own way. But... if you can't handle the battle... don't commit to the battlefield. Some generals appear... want to take charge and give orders... and then conveniently slip away from the war front. I have seen it. I have lived it. I have 3 out of state siblings who lead very busy lives. I, on the other hand, have decided to stay close/visit often. But please! I am far from the perfect, loving son. In fact, of all my family members, I just wasn't as close to her as they appeared to be. Through my college years, we just pulled apart. We later fought like cats and dogs. There were years, almost a decade, we didn't even communicate. She was convinced I was just being childish, me being certain that I definitely was. We finally did make peace... but soon after she fell sick and became hospitalized. To be released from the hospital, she had to be admitted to a rehab facility which fell on me (and my 4 year old daughter). We had to find a nursing facility and get her admitted all over one Thanksgiving holiday. Memorable, huh? She was moved to an Indy nursing facility a year or so later and she has been there for a decade and a half since.
     It's not guilt that keeps me visiting her. It's more personal. I believe it has to do with abandonment issues. I have lost a lot of very close friends and associates over the years. Some by death, most by distance. Facebook has been a marvel at rekindling some friendships. {Note: A true, lasting friendship is the ability to find someone over any space and time... and pick up doing the same stupid shit you were doing when you were last together.} I rarely say 'goodbye' to any one close to me. I may say 'Later' or 'Late'... but never the finality of a goodbye!
Good day, sir! I said...Good day! ... aha Not me! Never Can Say Goodbye said the Jackson Five? I get it!
     When it comes to visiting the nursing home, it's gird your loins and expect the unexpected. People fighting to recognize you... people wandering... making weird, inappropriate, some time scary noises... people in all matter of dress. Most are sleeping or quiet, others screaming for help or assistance... as if some orderly is going to take them back in time to a happier time... at home.. with maybe a cat... and a garden. But again, I digress. I visit her because it is what I do. And I do have to psyche myself up to visit the nursing home. It is as if I'm about to play basketball or soccer. I then leave emotionally spent as if I went 6 rounds with a UFC championship fighter. Or better stated... the feeling of just having performed a 3 act play to a handful of Sunday matinee blue hairs who don't applaud but sit and discuss dinner arrangements during the curtain call. Thanks for coming, here's your hat!
      Leaving the facility does not give me a warm, fuzzy feeling either. Quite the opposite. It reinforces my abandonment issues. I have to go. Sorry! Some probably might say this emotionally hearkens back to the divorced dad/visitation drive to Chicago trade offs with my daughter... especially when she was very young. Or maybe it is the loss of my father, Mike Sr. Or even heading off to Texas for college, leaving friends and family in my proverbial tumbleweed dust. Hey! Don't look over your shoulder, they might not be there when you look.
     I know am not extending my mother's life by visiting... even though she still finds my lack of a filter in most situations worth the price of admission. At 86, small, frail and confined to a wheelchair... she is not experiencing a quality of life we'd wish on any parent. but she is still here. Fighting to remember the whos and whats. But... for a long suffering Alzheimer's patient... she does remember me. My biggest reward. And that is the point... the all of it all! For a long suffering Alzheimer's patient who was supposed to have lost touch with reality years ago, she remembers me (by name, even)... But then again, who could forget a real, larger than life cartoon character like myself? Yep!
      So I continue to visit regularly with no set schedule. I get there as often as I can. Being respectful of others. Keeping my feelings in check (since my mouth won't stay there).  And what I have come to take from all of this is that... we handle what we can handle! This life lesson has taught me... we can appear to stay strong and positive, but for the caregiver... everyday a little death!

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