Static screens ruled the night until a test pattern popped up in the early morning.
Though I had to drag myself out of bed to get ready for school during the week, on the weekend I would be waiting for the arrival of that test pattern. It was a ritual.
1. Quietly sneak down stairs.
2. Turn on TV (manually... there were no remotes... I was the remote!)
{Side story: I would be in my room glancing over some NFL or Hot Rod magazine when all of a sudden my father calls me downstairs in a voice that hearkened to some kind of emergency.
"Mike!" I all but flew downstairs, not once stepping on any stair step, but swinging down the banister like a gymnast. "Turn the TV to channel 13.... 'ka-chink chink chink'... now 8.... 'ka-chink chink chink' ...now 6...." ad infinitum. End of side story}
3. Turn down the volume on the family Philco TV so as not to wake the house.
4. As TV warms up, head back upstairs (quietly) and gather pillows and a blanket.
5. Sneak back down downstairs (quietly).
6. Create a pillow fort in front of the TV screen. A nest of bedroom pillows, sofa pillows, and a blanket or two so close to the TV set that as the urban legend would have us believe...we could die of radiation poisoning.
7. As the test pattern ends... TV station disclaimers begin.
8. Suffer through an early morning broadcast of a rural TV farm report.
9. Watch a bloc of local commercials until the network feeds start to broadcast.
10. Then... watch a full half day of the best cartoons (and kid programming) Warner Bros, Filmation, Sid & Marty Krofft, etc... had to offer.
(Unless we were playing sports. We were not allowed to watch Saturday Morning Cartoons on those days we had games. It was a rule my father laid down. He believed that TV ruined your eyes and would affect your vision and coordination on the field or court. See urban legend in #6.)
So here I am all nestled comfortably in my pillow bunker, when all at once they start up with...
Tony the Tiger's Greaaaaaaat Frosted Flakes. Sugar Bear for Sugar Crisp. Quisp and Quake. Snap, Crackle and Pop's Rice Krispies. Captain Crunch. Toucan Sam for Fruit Loops...
{Side story on Fruit Loops. We all had cereals we liked, but then there were certain brands we wouldn't touch. It was easy for parents to find out which brand was a least favorite by purchasing a 6 or 8 variety pack and see what box sat unopened for any extended period of time. Apple Jacks? Special K?
My least favorite cereal was Fruit Loops...to this day! But on one special Sunday during my high school years... the morning after a Doobie Bros concert which had become an illegal underage drink and partyfest ... on a delicate stomach, I had to eat a bowl of Fruit Loops in front of my father to prove I was not hungover. It was miserable. Each bite worst than the last. I ate 3/4 of a bowl when my father decided to join me. He took only one bite and realized the milk was spoiled. I spent the rest of that Sunday morning praying to the porcelain god! End of side story.}
Well, no kid was going to last watching 20+ cereal commercials (those cereals that come with a prize inside the box) intermingled between ads for Hot Wheels, Barbies, GI Joes, Slip 'n' Slides, Super Balls, Frisbees, PF Flyers and Red Ball Jets... and not get hungry. Off to the kitchen to gorge on Life Cereal (this Mikey DID like it), Raisin Bran, or tumble weed thick Shredded Wheat! Eaten from a bowl that would somehow never voluntarily make it into the sink afterward.
Back to the Nest... but wait! It had been invaded. It was now operating under a different flag. The new commander of the pillow fort? A younger brother. Only 4 years old and already making costly errors in his short lived life.
"Out!"
"You snooze, you lose!" Wait! What? I taught him that when I took over his... {fill in any fun activity}. It's what Big Brothers do. And now he is usurping my Saturday morning power of controlling the TV from a fort of my own device?
Now, there is normal punishment and torture... and there is Big Brother punishment and torture. Can't breathe! Can't breathe! But if you can guess what happened next ...when a 'bran filled' loaded brother aims to unleash on his innocent, but obnoxious younger sibling... then I can spare you the gassy details. Younger brother pops up swinging and chases me through the house. Me laughing... all the way back to the kitchen for bowl number 2 or 3. Younger brother calls for a cease fire and joins the cereal brigade.
Now, after so much cereal... a visit to the throne room is in order. And when you are a kid.. and know you are going to spend any extended period of time in there... you bring along a Marvel or DC comic with you! And so, as I perused the adventures of Dr. Bruce Banner, I heard the loudest scream ever from our house on old 54th Street. I will piece together the details:
1. Younger brother finishes breakfast.
2. Returns to nest.
3. Nest taken over by older sister who remarks... "You snooze, you lose!"
4. Younger brother retaliates by trying to unleash a gas attack aimed at her.
5. Can't muster any gas... BUT... accidentally PEES in her ear!
We were told that the scream was heard as far as 6 blocks away... but it was also rumored that a US military spy plane... 3 passenger jets ... and both defunct Sputnik and Telstar satellites had recorded a strange, unidentified 'blip' at that exact time. But... that could be an urban legend!
End note: In 2015, the television networks made the decision to no longer broadcast Saturday Morning Cartoons in favor of morning news shows. Heck! We had our own news show every 30 minutes... CBS 'In The News' with Christopher Glenn. But I digress.
Whether it was competition from cable channels, the war on PC content, educational guideline discrepancies or costs... Saturday Morning Cartoons on the major networks were now gone. We have reached the end of an era! Long live Scooby Doo, The Archies, Bugs & Road Runner, The Monkees, H.R. Puffenstuff, Fat Albert, et al... You shaped a generation of early morning rising, sugar buzzed TV cartoon addicts! It was a gas!
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