The Superman Sketch was developed to be part of a short video produced by the Creative Alternative Acting Program (The adult acting side of The Creative Talent Workshop). I've dusted off the script and present it here to you.
{Note: A parody. Any resemblance between any of these characters or persons living or DC is purely intentional. Dedicated to Jerry & Joe!}
Scene 1: Office/Board room
CLARK KENT, JIMMY OLSEN, ART FLEMING and LOIS LANE are sitting around a board room table. PERRY WHITE is at the head of the table conducting a news gathering meeting.
PERRY: ...And the brunt of the cost for construction of the new Metropolis stadium will come from a hotel and restaurant tax... paid in most part by the citizens of Metropolis.
JIMMY: Does Metropolis even need a new stadium, Chief?
PERRY: Olsen! We are getting one either way. And don't call me...
LOIS: Chief? How about an in depth article that blows the lid off of the corporate greed and governmental corruption that went into financing the deal?
PERRY: Good angle, Lois!
JIMMY: Maybe we should just get Superman to build it.
LOIS: How about it, Clark? Wanna ask your friend Superman if he'd like to build the new stadium?
CLARK: Uh...Yes...uh... Superman...
VOICE: Help me Superman! Aaaaah!
ART: We were 1-15 last year. The old stadium was already a Fortress of Solitude.
They all laugh except CLARK. Close up of CLARK'S ear...
VOICE: Help me Superman! Save me Superman! Help Superman!
PERRY: Moving on.... There's been an increase in crime on the Metropolis' waterfront. It seems that nobody's monitoring the docks these days. And with the influx of foreign shipments...well, let's see... I have a report here from both the Metropolis police department and the FBI that states...
As PERRY continues on, we hear more and more voices crying out for Superman.
PERRY: (Finishing up) ...And I want it accompanied with a complete set of photos, Olsen! ... And please, Son! No more pictures of sailors home on leave.
JIMMY: Sorry, Chief... Mr. White!
CLARK: Um...Excuse me, Chief! But I've got to... er... take off... er... leave... I just realized that I have an appointment with... well... I've got to go.
LOIS: An appointment, Clark? I bet you're just trying to duck out and get a head start on my stadium story. Are you trying to scoop me again with my own story idea, Clark?
CLARK: Yes! I mean... No, Lois... I forgot that I had a... a...
VOICE: Superman, please! For the love of all that is good and decent... Aaaaah!
JIMMY: He doesn't need YOUR leads, Miss Lane! He’s the top reporter here at the Daily Planet and I think Mr. Kent is just SUPER!
CLARK: Er.. uh.. what? (Rising) I really should be going...
PERRY: Sit down! I didn't call this meeting just to hear myself talk. In fact, Kent! I have made a note to myself here that you have excused yourself... (looks at notes)... from our last 207 meetings!
ART: Damn!
PERRY: Were you ever planning to sit through an entire meeting without getting up to go off to god knows who knows where the hell you go? I mean, Great Caesar's Ghost, Kent!
ART: (Confidentially to Clark) I gave up lunch at Applebee's to be here, Kent!... And you know it's 1/2 price Riblets before 4 o'clock on Thursdays!
LOIS: Clark? Does it always have to be about you?
PERRY: OK! Folks! We are still working here! Next up... we have a story on the large number of 'exploding' Tickle-me-Elmos. It seems that when these dolls get "tickled", they start short circuiting and setting children on fire...
CLARK looks resigned to sit through the rest of the meeting. He covers his ears.
Scene 2 Clark Kent's Office
CLARK still reeling from the meeting drops off his briefcase on his desk. Camera has him finishing his work at a super speed. Phone rings.
CLARK: (Debating on answering, picks up phone) Um...Hello? Clark Kent...
VOICE ON PHONE: Hello, sir! I am conducting a survey and I only need 4 or 5 minutes of your time.
CLARK: Look! I am kind of busy here...
VOICE: That's ok, Sir. This is only a survey and we are not selling anything. All you have to do is answer a few simple questions... let's begin, shall we? OK
#1 Are you happy with your cell phone and internet service?
If you are happy with your cell phone and internet service, would you say you are:
A. mildly happy
B. a medium low happy
C. Medium happy
D. Tepid happy
E. Luke warm happy
F. Slightly above medium happy
G. Average happy
H. Happy...
Scene 3 Hallway
CLARK tries to duck into a storage room. He is stopped by an elderly employee.
LAVERNE: Excuse me, Clark?
CLARK: Darn!
LAVERNE: What? Oh Clark? Can I speak with you a second?
CLARK: Why yes, Laverne... but I was about to... uh... (looks over her shoulder at supply closet) How can I help you?
LAVERNE: The new parking arrangement. When I first got my car... Not the car I am driving now... but the one that my late husband left for me... even though he probably knew that it had too much horsepower... and was terrible on gas... and I never did like the color... and I even had a chance to speak with the car dealer before my husband... (God rest his soul) ...purchased it off the lot... though they were going to charge him a delivery fee... even though all cars have to be delivered to the dealer ...somehow and it's just a way to make more money from the customer. Well... that car used to fit my parking space... a little tight but not as bad as the car that I bought a few years ago when we used to get a bonus....
CLARK: Laverne! I really have to get going here...
LAVERNE: But I am not complaining ...after the Daily Planet cut about 2/3 of its employees... a few years back I was grateful that at my age they didn't let me go... or phase out my department in research. You never visit us much anymore, Clark. Well...
VOICE: Help me, Superman! Where is Superman? Superman pleeeeease!!!!
LAVERNE: ...They moved my parking assignment to the fifth floor from the third floor and put me next to the compact car parking... but no one observes the rule for compact cars and they just park freely where ever they want. And when a big car parks in the compact car spot, it doesn't give me enough room to park my car. Not the one I got from my late husband... (God rest his soul)... but the new one I got when I made the down payment with our last bonus check....
Scene 4 Montage of life or death situations
Video montage of life and death situations with accompanying voice overs!
Scene 5 The BAR
CLARK is seated at the end of the bar holding a fluorescent green drink in a shot glass. His tie is undone and you can partially see a glimpse of his blue costume top from his open shirt collar. He is drunk.
BARTENDER: Rough day, Buddy?
CLARK: (Drunk on a fluorescent green shot) It's.. the people of your planet! Everyday.... it's I WANT THIS... OR I NEED THAT.. OR SAVE ME FROM AN EARTHQUAKE... or a FLOOD.... or an ICE RAY! Human Beings! Can't they just get together and work it out amongst themselves? (Turns to his left) YOU know what I'm saying!
SANTA CLAUS: I HEAR YA!
JESUS: I HEAR YA
Bright light from above
GOD: I HEAR YOU!
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