How I Sawz It

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Friday, June 24, 2016

Talking to the Mirror... 30 years later!

The following is an interview between 23 year old me and the current irascible, incarnation of myself.

{Note: At age 23, I had started a theatrical production company producing original showcases, touring shows and musicals. I was written up in newspapers like the Dallas Morning News and the Dallas Times Herald as an up & comer. I performed in a handful of big budget and independent films. I wrote articles for a series of magazines. I tested and performed comedy material at the Houston Comedy Workshop. I wrote jokes for a number of comedians. I performed in scores of radio, TV commercials and training films. I was single, tan, thin with a full head of black curly hair.}

OLD ME: So... you are still alive? That's a plus!
CURRENT ME: Surprised even me... especially since I smoked like a chimney for all those years.
OM: How did all that go.. especially with our asthma?
CM: We had our moments. Especially playing sports like basketball, soccer, baseball and softball... sports induced asthma and sleep apnea have been no fun!
OM: You played all those things after 25... 30? When did you finally quit?
CM: A few years after Jessica was born. I decided to let her shine. My knees were done. I remember in my late 30s.. even more so in my 40s... when I made a slide tackle in soccer or slid into second base... I would say to myself... "I'm gonna feel that at 50!" And believe me, I do!
OM: Where are our millions?
CM: ...Of dollars? Hahahaha... Ask my ex and a couple former live in girlfriends. Oh... they never tell you that after a divorce.. with your child living 2 states away... that divorced dad thing can be really expensive!
OM: Does your daughter appreciate you for all of that?
CM: She's coming out of her teenage years... and very responsible. She knows that I love her... and that I never wanted to make it a tug of war with her mother.
We communicate a whole lot better than I ever did with Mom at your age!
OM: How is dear old Mom?
CM: She was diagnosed with dementia at age 70... Alzheimer's soon after that. It has been an emotional struggle, but I have stayed close.
OM: Not me! I don't think I would care all that much.
CM: As you age, you find it all becomes part of the circle of life. You either commit or quit!
OM: So... we never got hair plugs?
CM: In my 30s, I created a persona... two actually. One was Cap 'N' Mike. I changed from wearing that stupid rain hat I wore back then... to a baseball cap. Usually a Cubs cap. I had headshots made with the baseball cap look. I got a hell of a lot of Joe Job commercials as Cap 'N' Mike!
OM: Joe Jobs?
CM: Plumbers. Dads playing catch with the kids. Construction workers, etc...
OM: And your other persona?
CM: Business Mike... a gruff looking business guy... kinda like ... Ed Asner.
OM: I noticed you got fat...
CM: No one stays 160lbs forever. (LOL) Back in Texas, especially in the Swamp {My old house}... it was like a sauna 300+ days a year. Who didn't lose weight? Plus, 2 packs of smokes a day were a better diet than Slimfast... maybe not as healthy, but a meal alternative just the same.
OM: What happened to my MG Midget?

CM: I replaced it with a Mazda Miata. Japanese, but doesn't break down every other month. It was actually my divorced dad car!
OM: How WAS marriage?
CM: Quick.. only a few years... then annulled. Amazingly, the Church can and will annul your marriage.. and there is really nothing you can do about it... that is, unless you want to be a real pain to your Ex and try to fight it... but in the end, you lose. Why waste the energy? I think the annulment was the first step to healing my psyche after the divorce.
OM: What is our best accomplishment?
CM: Jessica, by far! Other than the hundreds and hundreds of commercials, the plays, short stories and books... I am definitely proudest of my Creative Kids Acting program!
OM: You followed through with that, huh?
CM: I started it to give back to a new generation of kid actors... what happened is ... the kids gave me back way more in return.
OM: Are you happy?
CM: Sure! I love what I do. I've been lucky to do what I love. And occasionally I get paid for it. LOL. Just kidding.... maybe not... but it's been quite a ride. Lost a lot of friends along the way... But I have a great circle of friends... people who like and respect me.. and even some who really look out for me. I mean...who could ask for anything more?
OM: Where do you see us in 30 years?
CM: As ashes spread over Pam Anderson.
OM: Wait... what...who?
CM: Never mind. I guess I would still like to be kicking and irascible. Still pinching girls' bottoms when I hug them... and ... maybe if I get that old... I'll have been watching NASA land on Mars.. and laughing my ass off as all those 'Martian Colony nuts' cried back to Earth to be saved!
OM: I don't get the NASA thing, but... you have always been a bit out there...
CM: Back at ya!
OM: Look... it's been good talking to you, old man!
CM: You, too! Oh.. BTW... When Allison Stofer calls you in about 13 years and tries to sell you paper goods for the Tool Company... ask her to marry you ...right then and there.
OM: O...K... Again, I don't get it, but I'll make note of it. You know... I don't want to get married... yet!
CM: You will.... Oh, brother... like a ticking clock... you will! Find the right one!... (All..i..son... Sto...!)
OM: Look.. I've got my rehearsal here in just a bit ...and ... need to get going... but nice talk!
CM: Take it easy, Kid! Remember don't stress too much... things tend to fall into place a hell of a lot quicker when you just let it all go!
OM: Sounds zen! Peace out, Buddha!
CM: Later, Kid!

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Friday, June 17, 2016

The Superman Sketch

The Superman Sketch was developed to be part of a short video produced by the Creative Alternative Acting Program (The adult acting side of The Creative Talent Workshop). I've dusted off the script and present it here to you.

{Note: A parody. Any resemblance between any of these characters or persons living or DC is purely intentional. Dedicated to Jerry & Joe!}

Scene 1: Office/Board room

CLARK KENT, JIMMY OLSEN, ART FLEMING and LOIS LANE are sitting around a board room table. PERRY WHITE is at the head of the table conducting a news gathering meeting.

PERRY: ...And the brunt of the cost for construction of the new Metropolis stadium will come from a hotel and restaurant tax... paid in most part by the citizens of Metropolis.

JIMMY: Does Metropolis even need a new stadium, Chief?

PERRY: Olsen! We are getting one either way. And don't call me...

LOIS: Chief? How about an in depth article that blows the lid off of the corporate greed and governmental corruption that went into financing the deal?

PERRY: Good angle, Lois!

JIMMY: Maybe we should just get Superman to build it.

LOIS: How about it, Clark? Wanna ask your friend Superman if he'd like to build the new stadium?

CLARK: Uh...Yes...uh... Superman...

VOICE: Help me Superman! Aaaaah!

ART: We were 1-15 last year. The old stadium was already a Fortress of Solitude.

They all laugh except CLARK. Close up of CLARK'S ear...

VOICE: Help me Superman! Save me Superman! Help Superman!

PERRY: Moving on.... There's been an increase in crime on the Metropolis' waterfront. It seems that nobody's monitoring the docks these days. And with the influx of foreign shipments...well, let's see... I have a report here from both the Metropolis police department and the FBI that states...

As PERRY continues on, we hear more and more voices crying out for Superman.

PERRY: (Finishing up) ...And I want it accompanied with a complete set of photos, Olsen! ... And please, Son! No more pictures of sailors home on leave.

JIMMY: Sorry, Chief... Mr. White!

CLARK: Um...Excuse me, Chief! But I've got to... er... take off... er... leave... I just realized that I have an appointment with... well... I've got to go.

LOIS: An appointment, Clark? I bet you're just trying to duck out and get a head start on my stadium story. Are you trying to scoop me again with my own story idea, Clark?

CLARK: Yes! I mean... No, Lois... I forgot that I had a... a...

VOICE: Superman, please! For the love of all that is good and decent... Aaaaah!

JIMMY: He doesn't need YOUR leads, Miss Lane! He’s the top reporter here at the Daily Planet and I think Mr. Kent is just SUPER!

CLARK: Er.. uh.. what? (Rising) I really should be going...

PERRY: Sit down! I didn't call this meeting just to hear myself talk. In fact, Kent! I have made a note to myself here that you have excused yourself... (looks at notes)... from our last 207 meetings!

ART: Damn!

PERRY: Were you ever planning to sit through an entire meeting without getting up to go off to god knows who knows where the hell you go? I mean, Great Caesar's Ghost, Kent!

ART: (Confidentially to Clark) I gave up lunch at Applebee's to be here, Kent!... And you know it's 1/2 price Riblets before 4 o'clock on Thursdays!

LOIS: Clark? Does it always have to be about you?

PERRY: OK! Folks! We are still working here! Next up... we have a story on the large number of 'exploding' Tickle-me-Elmos. It seems that when these dolls get "tickled", they start short circuiting and setting children on fire...

CLARK looks resigned to sit through the rest of the meeting. He covers his ears.

Scene 2 Clark Kent's Office

CLARK still reeling from the meeting drops off his briefcase on his desk. Camera has him finishing his work at a super speed. Phone rings.

CLARK: (Debating on answering, picks up phone) Um...Hello? Clark Kent...

VOICE ON PHONE: Hello, sir! I am conducting a survey and I only need 4 or 5 minutes of your time.

CLARK: Look! I am kind of busy here...

VOICE: That's ok, Sir. This is only a survey and we are not selling anything. All you have to do is answer a few simple questions... let's begin, shall we? OK
#1 Are you happy with your cell phone and internet service?
If you are happy with your cell phone and internet service, would you say you are:
A. mildly happy
B. a medium low happy
C. Medium happy
D. Tepid happy
E. Luke warm happy
F. Slightly above medium happy
G. Average happy
H. Happy...

Scene 3 Hallway

CLARK tries to duck into a storage room. He is stopped by an elderly employee.

LAVERNE: Excuse me, Clark?

CLARK: Darn!

LAVERNE: What? Oh Clark? Can I speak with you a second?

CLARK: Why yes, Laverne... but I was about to... uh... (looks over her shoulder at supply closet) How can I help you?

LAVERNE: The new parking arrangement. When I first got my car... Not the car I am driving now... but the one that my late husband left for me... even though he probably knew that it had too much horsepower... and was terrible on gas... and I never did like the color... and I even had a chance to speak with the car dealer before my husband... (God rest his soul) ...purchased it off the lot... though they were going to charge him a delivery fee... even though all cars have to be delivered to the dealer ...somehow and it's just a way to make more money from the customer. Well... that car used to fit my parking space... a little tight but not as bad as the car that I bought a few years ago when we used to get a bonus....

CLARK: Laverne! I really have to get going here...

LAVERNE: But I am not complaining ...after the Daily Planet cut about 2/3 of its employees... a few years back I was grateful that at my age they didn't let me go... or phase out my department in research. You never visit us much anymore, Clark. Well...

VOICE: Help me, Superman! Where is Superman? Superman pleeeeease!!!!

LAVERNE: ...They moved my parking assignment to the fifth floor from the third floor and put me next to the compact car parking... but no one observes the rule for compact cars and they just park freely where ever they want. And when a big car parks in the compact car spot, it doesn't give me enough room to park my car. Not the one I got from my late husband... (God rest his soul)... but the new one I got when I made the down payment with our last bonus check....

Scene 4 Montage of life or death situations

Video montage of life and death situations with accompanying voice overs!

Scene 5 The BAR

CLARK is seated at the end of the bar holding a fluorescent green drink in a shot glass. His tie is undone and you can partially see a glimpse of his blue costume top from his open shirt collar. He is drunk.

BARTENDER: Rough day, Buddy?

CLARK: (Drunk on a fluorescent green shot) It's.. the people of your planet! Everyday.... it's I WANT THIS... OR I NEED THAT.. OR SAVE ME FROM AN EARTHQUAKE... or a FLOOD.... or an ICE RAY! Human Beings! Can't they just get together and work it out amongst themselves? (Turns to his left) YOU know what I'm saying!

SANTA CLAUS: I HEAR YA!

JESUS: I HEAR YA

Bright light from above

GOD: I HEAR YOU!

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Thursday, June 16, 2016

One Minute Theater: Blind Date Spit Take

(Man & Woman on a blind date. This comes from a flashback and is based on real events. Names have been changed to protect... well... me! )

Man: I thought we might both like giving this restaurant a try.
Woman: I think I saw it on the Groupon web site. I hate visiting places like this without checking to see if they have a coupon or a discount of some sort.
Man: That's OK! It's my treat.
Woman: Well... of course! I never pay for a man on a date. But I may come back here with some of the guys...er... girls from the office... that is, if it’s any good.
Waiter: Welcome to Chez Fritz! Here are your menus. And... while you take your time deciding on dinner, let me go ahead and put in your drink orders.
Man: Sure! I’ll have an iced tea...
Woman: You’re not drinking?
Man: Oh no! Go ahead. Order anything you'd like...
Woman: Well! I’m not going to order something if you’re only going to be drinking soft drinks all night...
Man: (To waiter)... iced tea.
Woman: What kind of beers do you have on tap?
Waiter: We have a wide variety of imports, all the domestics and some nice IPAs... If you want the full list... our current beer list may be found on the back of the... (Woman stares down Waiter ... he proceeds to list 25 of their popular beers from memory)
Woman: Oh! Just get me a Coke... No! Make that a Diet... Oh! Just bring me a glass of ice water!
Waiter: Very good! I’ll be right back with your drinks... and bring out some complimentary rolls...
Woman: Wait! What kind of butter do they come with?
Man: Butter?
Waiter: Our rolls come with a signature whipped butter blend created by our chef.
Woman: Well... you'd better bring out a sample of that. I don’t like the signature butter most restaurants use ... like O’Charley’s... or Texas Roadhouse....
Man: Hmmm! Why not just give it a taste test when the rolls come out?
Woman: Oh! I know it won't taste like real butter. I probably won’t like it. And I know I will have to send it back.
Man: I can already see the foreshadowing...
Woman: The what? What did you say?
Man: (To waiter) The drinks and rolls will be fine...
Woman: ...And a sample of your butter!
Waiter: Very good! I'll take your order when I return. (He withdraws.. writing a note on his pad)
Woman: So... what do you do for a living?
Man: I create and test programs for a Virtual Reality systems company that works with doctors, hospitals and research labs...
Woman: You make video games? I hate video games. They are soooo stupid! What a waste of time and money. Video games!
Man: Well! These aren’t exactly video... games ... per say...
Woman: I bought my son a PS2 or 4 or XBox something. He must have 1000 of those games lying around the living room. He and his father play them from the time they wake up til the time they go to bed. I can hardly vacuum the place....
Man: His father lives with...?
Woman: Oh, no! Poopie!... They didn’t list any of the specials. I don’t want to eat something they have cooked 1000x. (Looking around the room) What are the specials?
Man: Go ahead and order anything you'd like...
Woman: (Tries to stop Waiter heading to the kitchen with another order) Excuse me... Waiter! (She snaps her fingers. Man winces) Waiter! (Snaps, then snaps again)
Waiter: Yes, Ma’am! Are you ready to order?
Woman: Ummmmm... What are your specials tonight?
(The Waiter goes through a list of 6-7 appetizing specials. He details how they are prepared... and their discounted prices... three times)
Woman: Oh! I’ll just have a steak. Not the 10 oz ...like this one in the menu or the 6 oz... like this one in the menu. Just have them prepare one... in between. And please! Not medium... or well done. Something in between. If it’s too well done... I will send it back. I'd like some pink. Not all pink. And not red! I want a salad with vinaigrette... on the side... do not put any on the salad. Bring out real pepper! Make it with no cheese. but an extra tomato. No egg... and no bacon. Gawd how I hate bacon bits. They are fake and taste dry and rubbery...
Waiter: Ahem... no bacon! And for your other side?
Woman: A baked potato. Not burned, please. (To Man, without looking up from her menu) They burn them in places like this! They sit in their ovens for hours and hours. (To Waiter) A baked potato with...half butter... half sour cream. Do not let the butter touch the sour cream. Separate the two. And please! Real butter. No house blend... Oh, while I'm thinking about it... bring out a sample taste of that vinaigrette, too. Some restaurant vinaigrette tastes too wine-y!
Man: Too wine-y?
Woman: And when you come back... bring along a dessert menu... I want to see the dessert list. Or do you have a dessert tray? I want to see it before we eat our dinner. If I fill up too much on the meal, I might not enjoy my dessert... and I love my desserts!
Waiter: Very good! (He remarkably reads back her exact dinner order, subtlely mimicking the Woman's inflections)
Waiter: ...And for the gentleman?
Man: Just the... check, please!
Woman: What?
Man: Check, please! Look! I apologize... but we will be leaving! This was a bad idea from the start. I'm sorry for wasting your time... and the table.
Woman: Well... of all the nerve! Why would you do such a thing?
Man: To be honest with you?... I was afraid... I mean, really afraid...
Woman: Afraid of what?
Man: Afraid the waiter would forget whose meal belonged to whom... mix 'em up... and I’d get the one with spit on it!
(Woman goes silent)
Man: We'll just hit a Drive thru on the way home! Again, sorry!
Waiter: No problem, Sir! ... There is no charge... But might I just say... I do bet the evening will get better for you and your lady friend!
Man: (Handing the Waiter a tip) Oh... I think you'd lose that bet!

~ Finis

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Tuesday, June 14, 2016

Oh dear! Oh dear! A little tinkle in your ear!

     Back in the day, there were 3 TV networks, maybe one independent station and a PBS channel. Around midnight, each station would sign off for the night.
Static screens ruled the night until a test pattern popped up in the early morning.
Though I had to drag myself out of bed to get ready for school during the week, on the weekend I would be waiting for the arrival of that test pattern. It was a ritual.
1. Quietly sneak down stairs.
2. Turn on TV (manually... there were no remotes... I was the remote!)
     {Side story: I would be in my room glancing over some NFL or Hot Rod magazine when all of a sudden my father calls me downstairs in a voice that hearkened to some kind of emergency.
     "Mike!" I all but flew downstairs, not once stepping on any stair step, but swinging down the banister like a gymnast. "Turn the TV to channel 13.... 'ka-chink chink chink'... now 8.... 'ka-chink chink chink' ...now 6...." ad infinitum. End of side story}
3. Turn down the volume on the family Philco TV so as not to wake the house.
4. As TV warms up, head back upstairs (quietly) and gather pillows and a blanket.
5. Sneak back down downstairs (quietly).
6. Create a pillow fort in front of the TV screen. A nest of bedroom pillows, sofa pillows, and a blanket or two so close to the TV set that as the urban legend would have us believe...we could die of radiation poisoning.
7. As the test pattern ends... TV station disclaimers begin.
8. Suffer through an early morning broadcast of a rural TV farm report.
9. Watch a bloc of local commercials until the network feeds start to broadcast.
10. Then... watch a full half day of the best cartoons (and kid programming) Warner Bros, Filmation, Sid & Marty Krofft, etc... had to offer.
     (Unless we were playing sports. We were not allowed to watch Saturday Morning Cartoons on those days we had games. It was a rule my father laid down. He believed that TV ruined your eyes and would affect your vision and coordination on the field or court. See urban legend in #6.)
   So here I am all nestled comfortably in my pillow bunker, when all at once they start up with...

   The Saturday Morning Barrage of Sugary Sweet Cereal Commercials!
     Tony the Tiger's Greaaaaaaat Frosted Flakes. Sugar Bear for Sugar Crisp. Quisp and Quake. Snap, Crackle and Pop's Rice Krispies. Captain Crunch. Toucan Sam for Fruit Loops...
     {Side story on Fruit Loops. We all had cereals we liked, but then there were certain brands we wouldn't touch. It was easy for parents to find out which brand was a least favorite by purchasing a 6 or 8 variety pack and see what box sat unopened for any extended period of time. Apple Jacks? Special K?
     My least favorite cereal was Fruit Loops...to this day! But on one special Sunday during my high school years... the morning after a Doobie Bros concert which had become an illegal underage drink and partyfest ... on a delicate stomach, I had to eat a bowl of Fruit Loops in front of my father to prove I was not hungover. It was miserable. Each bite worst than the last. I ate 3/4 of a bowl when my father decided to join me. He took only one bite and realized the milk was spoiled. I spent the rest of that Sunday morning praying to the porcelain god! End of side story.}
    Well, no kid was going to last watching 20+ cereal commercials (those cereals that come with a prize inside the box) intermingled between ads for Hot Wheels, Barbies, GI Joes, Slip 'n' Slides, Super Balls, Frisbees, PF Flyers and Red Ball Jets... and not get hungry. Off to the kitchen to gorge on Life Cereal (this Mikey DID like it), Raisin Bran, or tumble weed thick Shredded Wheat! Eaten from a bowl that would somehow never voluntarily make it into the sink afterward.
     Back to the Nest... but wait! It had been invaded. It was now operating under a different flag. The new commander of the pillow fort? A younger brother. Only 4 years old and already making costly errors in his short lived life.
     "Out!"
     "You snooze, you lose!" Wait! What? I taught him that when I took over his... {fill in any fun activity}. It's what Big Brothers do. And now he is usurping my Saturday morning power of controlling the TV from a fort of my own device?
     Now, there is normal punishment and torture... and there is Big Brother punishment and torture. Can't breathe! Can't breathe! But if you can guess what happened next ...when a 'bran filled' loaded brother aims to unleash on his innocent, but obnoxious younger sibling... then I can spare you the gassy details. Younger brother pops up swinging and chases me through the house. Me laughing... all the way back to the kitchen for bowl number 2 or 3. Younger brother calls for a cease fire and joins the cereal brigade.
     Now, after so much cereal... a visit to the throne room is in order. And when you are a kid.. and know you are going to spend any extended period of time in there... you bring along a Marvel or DC comic with you! And so, as I perused the adventures of Dr. Bruce Banner, I heard the loudest scream ever from our house on old 54th Street. I will piece together the details:
1. Younger brother finishes breakfast.
2. Returns to nest.
3. Nest taken over by older sister who remarks... "You snooze, you lose!"
4. Younger brother retaliates by trying to unleash a gas attack aimed at her.
5. Can't muster any gas... BUT... accidentally PEES in her ear!
     We were told that the scream was heard as far as 6 blocks away... but it was also rumored that a US military spy plane... 3 passenger jets ... and both defunct Sputnik and Telstar satellites had recorded a strange, unidentified 'blip' at that exact time. But... that could be an urban legend!
     End note: In 2015, the television networks made the decision to no longer broadcast Saturday Morning Cartoons in favor of morning news shows. Heck! We had our own news show every 30 minutes... CBS 'In The News' with Christopher Glenn. But I digress.
     Whether it was competition from cable channels, the war on PC content, educational guideline discrepancies or costs... Saturday Morning Cartoons on the major networks were now gone. We have reached the end of an era! Long live Scooby Doo, The Archies, Bugs & Road Runner, The Monkees, H.R. Puffenstuff, Fat Albert, et al... You shaped a generation of early morning rising, sugar buzzed TV cartoon addicts! It was a gas!

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Sunday, June 12, 2016

One Minute Theater: That Old Gang of Mime

Welcome to One Minute Theater.
Spectacular drama to help you goof off... er... get you through your busy day!

Outside the Police Interrogation Room
Two officers stand in front of the one way glass discussing the person sitting alone inside the room. The suspect is a mime.
Cop #1: So? Who is this clown?
Cop #2: I believe he is a mime!
Cop #1: A what?
Cop #2: A mime.
Cop #1: Did you get anything out of him?
Cop #2: Not a word.
Cop #1: Really? So what’s his story?
Cop #2: Well! He seems to have been confined in a box at some point.
Cop #1: And he told you this?
Cop #2: Again, not a word. But it must have been some place that was windy.
Cop #1: So! He told you that?
Cop #2: As I said... he hasn’t uttered one word!
Cop #1: I don’t follow. Where are you getting all the details about the box and weather?
Cop #2: He described them to me.
Cop #1: Oh! It was then he stopped talking...?
Cop #2: He's never once uttered a word.
Cop #1: I don’t follow. Hmmm! What's with the clown make-up?
Cop #2: I believe the white face paint is used to help exaggerate his facial expressions.
Cop #1: So! He’s not a Caucasian, then?
Cop #2: He appears to be.
Cop #1: I don’t follow.
Cop #2: He’s what they call a 'street performer'.
Cop #1: He sells to kids on the street?
Cop #2: What? No! He doesn’t sell anything, but he does take donations.
Cop #1: Ahhh! A bunko artist!
Cop #2: I believe he’s more a performance artist.
Cop #1: Ahhh! Performing some community service?
Cop #2: Er.. no... while he does perform for the community... er.. people... I don’t believe it's a service.
Cop #1: What’s he charged with?
Cop #2: Intimidation. Accosting a spectator. It started out with some imaginary rope trick. He just kept pulling at it... and pulling... pulling...
Cop #1: So! It was a tied up spectator who called out for police assistance?
Cop #2: No! But after the rope routine... he came over to the crowd... snatched and grabbed a police officer’s hat, put it on his head and started to comically mimic the officer in front of the crowd... making large, menacing gestures. It provoked laughter from the spectators. A lot of laughter... at the officer's expense.
Cop #1: So... that is when a spectator in the crowd got hurt?
Cop #2: Yes.... well... no spectator. It was... Me! He hurt my feelings. Look! Ridiculing an authority figure by insulting his position of authority is the first step toward civil disobedience, I’ll have you know...
(The mime gets up from his chair and walks over to the one way glass. He pretends to clean the glass a bit then looks out and starts acting like he is rubbing his eyes and starting to cry.)
Cop #2: (Quietly, while tapping on the glass with his finger) You... are... a dead mime!
(The mime staggers as if suffering a heart attack.. then collapses... while pulling a plastic flower out of his sleeve which he holds against his chest... finally lying 'dead' on the Interrogation Room's floor.)
Cop #1: (Laughs) What a clown!
Cop #2: Mime!... A ^#%#& Mime!

~ Finis

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Wednesday, June 8, 2016

Every Day a Little Death!

     Years ago, I was standing offstage at the Scott Theatre in Ft. Worth, Texas listening to the orchestra play a Stephen Sondheim lilting musical passage from the show 'A Little Night Music'. It was the intro to the song 'Every Day a Little Death' and on stage was the very talented actress/performer and friend Shannon Avnsoe. She was about to take command of the entire show and audience with her performance. The same musical performance that became not only a breath taking, show stopping moment for me... but one that has continued to stay in my psyche to this very day. The memory of that song has reaffirmed my spiritual belief over and over again.. if you are not living, you are dying. And in the case of someone close dying, the whole process will try to take a little bit of your spirit away, too.
     Ever hear somebody say 'my life really changed after I lost {fill in relative, sibling, friend, etc...}? Sure. Life IS change. Nothing ever stays the same. Our memories are all but chapters in a scrapbook or novel we have created (and seemingly edit) in our mind over time. For so many people their novels have lots of crossover stories and characters, yet no two parallel each other completely. But isn't that the definition of reality? No two people experience 'the absolute truth' the same way. But I digress!
     When I lost my father, it was quick. He was shot on a Monday morning. He died in the hospital by midnight that night. That may not sound quick to some, but now with Mom fighting Alzheimer's for 16 years, it was the blink of an eye.
     Mom started with dementia. How do I know? I had her tested by a friend who worked for the Mental Health Association. She surprisingly passed. But only a few months later, some local family doctor diagnosed her with Alzheimer's and all but sealed her fate. Months in a nursing home in her old hometown, a year or two in a senior living apartment in a nursing facility in Indy... followed by years in the dementia ward... followed by more years in the Alzheimer's unit. Every day a little death.
     Note: The following words are not a dig at any of my siblings or extended family members. I, for one, know that we have our own lives to lead and that we all grieve in our own way. But... if you can't handle the battle... don't commit to the battlefield. Some generals appear... want to take charge and give orders... and then conveniently slip away from the war front. I have seen it. I have lived it. I have 3 out of state siblings who lead very busy lives. I, on the other hand, have decided to stay close/visit often. But please! I am far from the perfect, loving son. In fact, of all my family members, I just wasn't as close to her as they appeared to be. Through my college years, we just pulled apart. We later fought like cats and dogs. There were years, almost a decade, we didn't even communicate. She was convinced I was just being childish, me being certain that I definitely was. We finally did make peace... but soon after she fell sick and became hospitalized. To be released from the hospital, she had to be admitted to a rehab facility which fell on me (and my 4 year old daughter). We had to find a nursing facility and get her admitted all over one Thanksgiving holiday. Memorable, huh? She was moved to an Indy nursing facility a year or so later and she has been there for a decade and a half since.
     It's not guilt that keeps me visiting her. It's more personal. I believe it has to do with abandonment issues. I have lost a lot of very close friends and associates over the years. Some by death, most by distance. Facebook has been a marvel at rekindling some friendships. {Note: A true, lasting friendship is the ability to find someone over any space and time... and pick up doing the same stupid shit you were doing when you were last together.} I rarely say 'goodbye' to any one close to me. I may say 'Later' or 'Late'... but never the finality of a goodbye!
Good day, sir! I said...Good day! ... aha Not me! Never Can Say Goodbye said the Jackson Five? I get it!
     When it comes to visiting the nursing home, it's gird your loins and expect the unexpected. People fighting to recognize you... people wandering... making weird, inappropriate, some time scary noises... people in all matter of dress. Most are sleeping or quiet, others screaming for help or assistance... as if some orderly is going to take them back in time to a happier time... at home.. with maybe a cat... and a garden. But again, I digress. I visit her because it is what I do. And I do have to psyche myself up to visit the nursing home. It is as if I'm about to play basketball or soccer. I then leave emotionally spent as if I went 6 rounds with a UFC championship fighter. Or better stated... the feeling of just having performed a 3 act play to a handful of Sunday matinee blue hairs who don't applaud but sit and discuss dinner arrangements during the curtain call. Thanks for coming, here's your hat!
      Leaving the facility does not give me a warm, fuzzy feeling either. Quite the opposite. It reinforces my abandonment issues. I have to go. Sorry! Some probably might say this emotionally hearkens back to the divorced dad/visitation drive to Chicago trade offs with my daughter... especially when she was very young. Or maybe it is the loss of my father, Mike Sr. Or even heading off to Texas for college, leaving friends and family in my proverbial tumbleweed dust. Hey! Don't look over your shoulder, they might not be there when you look.
     I know am not extending my mother's life by visiting... even though she still finds my lack of a filter in most situations worth the price of admission. At 86, small, frail and confined to a wheelchair... she is not experiencing a quality of life we'd wish on any parent. but she is still here. Fighting to remember the whos and whats. But... for a long suffering Alzheimer's patient... she does remember me. My biggest reward. And that is the point... the all of it all! For a long suffering Alzheimer's patient who was supposed to have lost touch with reality years ago, she remembers me (by name, even)... But then again, who could forget a real, larger than life cartoon character like myself? Yep!
So I continue to visit regularly with no set schedule. I get there as often as I can. Being respectful of others. Keeping my feelings in check (since my mouth won't stay there). And what I have come to take from all of this is that... we handle what we can handle! This life lesson has taught me... we can appear to stay strong and positive, but for the caregiver... everyday a little death!

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Monday, June 6, 2016

Wake up! It's time to go to bed!

     I don't sleep. I gave that up years ago. I'm not a night owl... I just don't like long periods of inactivity. I am not hyper.. maybe slightly ADHD... ok maybe moderately ADHD... a tiny tiny bit dyslexic... and I can ramble on for hours... but I am not hyper. I cat nap. I catch up on sleep in quick 20 minute or 2 hour intervals, no in between. I don't take pills.. I don't drink (any more)...I meditate. Self hypnosis. Maybe these self hypnosis sessions are subliminally having me sleepwalk and text my credit card numbers to some shady 3rd party, but while I am 'out'... I am out! I have been told over and over again not to worry... which used to be impossible for someone like me with anxiety issues. But I have learned to 'Let it Go'. I am far from lazy. When I think on just how lazy I am I look at my projects... (and to-do) list:
     (In no particular order):
1. Work on Creative Kids TV (an internet TV site for kids). Editing, tweaking and drumming up sponsors.
2. My new (almost finished) book: Flash Floods and Texas Tall Tales.
3. My website: www.creativetalentworkshop.com
4. My commercial and voice work (currently voicing a video game in the works)... with an agent that sends me projects at all hours of the day and night!
5. My classes in Broad Ripple and on the Southside.. and soon Southeast side.
Which includes writing scripts and monologues, writing songs & composing music, directing & editing class films and projects... month after month after month.
6. Visiting Mom in the Alzheimer's unit of her Nursing home.
7. IT freelance work for places like Broad Ripple Automotive, Culvers, InDetail Electric, Ricks Kustoms and a growing list of needy clients.
8. Touching base with my awesome (and just as busy) daughter.
9. Quick lunch or meal with close friends (like the Kellers, my adopted second family).
10. Check in on Mad Dog Mike who has never once let his disability get the way of a spirited, shouting match between good friends... who disagree on the 'greatness' of the Dallas Cowboys!
And, like the tag line to a bad resume... 'many, many more'!
     I don't sleep because I am chasing an imaginary carrot. My crazy sense of self-worth is tied to just how busy I am... or can I punish myself enough to get even busier. I have lost quite a few girlfriends over the years... from being 'self involved'. I guess that is better than cheating with someone else... but is it?
     I adore my extended godfamily of Leslie, Hans, C & C! They have replaced my own dysfuctional siblings. Note: No one can hear the words 'I'm sorry!' when everyone is shouting... and tuning you out in the first place! I would and could not survive without close friends like the Herrick's (Lynn is my Angel), the Livindis, Ryan, Rudy & Roger, Dr. Death!!!, Team Deemer, Vegan Not-see Kraig, Ben & Nat, JM, Lifestyle Lizbeth, all my Creative Talent Workshop Family and Timmy Mac. I have the support of hundreds of friends & associates... and feel the love from far more than 10x that amount. But I don't sleep. I just think!
     Have you ever been walking somewhere and suddenly you feel you don't have your keys, your wallet, your glasses... and come to realize ...they are with you the whole time? I think I have narrowed down my personal psychosis to that feeling being a constant nusiance. Hey! My deal, right?
     So, I blog! It's better than the therapist's couch, in theory. You may disagree. And I will catnap before the next long night since the Sandman and I do not get along.
So, next time you catch me on some time coded social media outlet... and wonder why I am making comments, quips & Burma Shaves at all hours... just remember, I don't sleep!
     Peace out!

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